wannababynow

I'm the Writer, He's the Musician

2006-12-07T16:56:00.000-08:00

If you've noticed I haven't been posting much lately, it's mainly because the name of my blog was really giving me fits. When I was TTC my daughter after my miscarriage, I was WANNABABYNOW - that's who I was. But now, it feels a bit silly, since she's here and she's (how did this happen?) almost a year old!

It's taken me awhile to think up my new blog name, but here it is: I'm the Writer, He's the Musician.
http://www.writermusician.blogspot.com

I'm a tech writer and work for a great company that has allowed me to work mainly at home since I've been back after the birth of my daughter. My husband is a musician and stays home with her during the day.

Come check it out!

Ten and a half months

2006-12-05T15:43:00.000-08:00

We were "snowed" in last week and didn't make it to H's doctor appointment about her eating. She's been doing better in the past couple of weeks anyway - she had pancakes for the first time on Sunday and was able to eat them. Last week, she popped through with her top two front teeth.

She makes all sorts of new noises - yesterday she was growling at me. She also points to things now and gets super excited about things she sees. She freaks out at the lamp on the dresser. At first it was cute, but now it's sort of annoying. Yes, that's a lamp over there, baby.

She was a puppy for Halloween:

Nutritionist and Occupational Therapist?

2006-10-26T09:29:00.000-07:00

Whew, been so busy since I last updated. We moved, that was huge. We were all sick (H and I had colds, I think mine was bronchitis, and J got a sinus infection).
We still haven't unpacked, but I made some headway last night.

H had her 9 month appt. yesterday. She's 16lbs, 9oz. and 27 1/2 inches long. I think it's 50th percentile for height and 10th for weight?
The doctor wasn't concerned with her growth, however she is concerned that she's not really eating solid food yet.

Mommy Drive-by - from my husband!?!?!

2006-09-22T10:27:00.000-07:00

This morning, H just about pulled J's bowl and plate off the computer from where he left it last night. We're in the process of moving and things aren't clean. This, combined with the speed at which she can now get everywhere, makes it so you have to watch her every second.

Anyway, I apparently yelled out at him as she almost pulled the dishes (empty) down on herself. He moved it, and then set it back on the computer. I told him something like, "Don't put it back there!" And he got pissed off at me and said, "Stop with the tone."

Right after H did that, she was playing with his bottle of digestive enzymes that doesn't have a childproof cap and she's able to open. I told him he needed to take it away from her.

NOTE - I was working at my computer. He was supposed to be watching her, not me.

Then he tells me she's wet so I went to help him change her. We do nurse/changes where I bf her while he changes the diaper. He tells me, "I know you're trying to be more strict with her, but you're using that tone with me too and I don't like it."

I was floored, I feel horrible. I said, "I hope I'm not being too strict." I started crying but tried to hide it from him. After that, I took the laptop into the bedroom and I've been hiding out, doing work.

AM I TOO STRICT?
I have been telling her, "No H, we don't do that." when she's on the couch with me and tries to rip the tapestry off the wall. She knows now, she starts to pull on it and I tell her no and she stops. I also tell her, "No, be gentle with mommy. Don't pull my hair." I've told her twice today to be gentle and not scratch my face.

I grew up with a very strict dad and I'm really worried about how my tone really is to her. I'm also really tired and need to write two more documents before the end of the day, so I'm stressed out. I'm not getting enough done during the week this week because I had a lot of meetings and had to drive back and forth to work twice the past two days to come home to feed H. And, on top of it all, we're closing on our condo in about a week and have to be out of here by the 10th. And - J is going to be in L.A. next weekend for three days visiting his dad and I'll have baby by myself all that time.

Ack. I feel like it's too much, I'm not good enough at anything right now. It helps that I got good feedback on one of the docs I just sent out for review.

Well, baby is crying in the other room. I should go feed her before I need to go into the office. I was going to work from home all day today, but I remembered I need to fax my pay stub to our lender, I have have to go in just for that. :(

I feel like a horrible parent. Ugh. I didn't know it was possible to feel so bad. I felt like I was doing a good job, now I am unsure and doubting myself.

Soon to be a homeowner

2006-09-11T12:49:00.000-07:00

Since there are no homes in King county for $200,000 that aren't tear downs, we started looking at condos. We put an offer on one yesterday and they accepted! We plan to close by the end of the month.
Only 2 bedrooms, since we can't afford 3, but we plan to live there 2 years and then sell. Our truck and school loans will be paid off in two years, so we'll be in a better situation, plus we'll hopefully have some equity in our home.

Maybe I'll be able to post some pics soon. I call it the Bow Chicka Bow Bow condo because it has some stuff in it from 1979 when the building was built and I think it has a 70's feel. (Linoleum, oooooooooooollllllllddd microwave over the stove.)

Nervous and excited. And if you live in a place where you can still buy a 2 bedroom home for $200,000 please appreciate what you have. I can't believe the other writer at work and his fiance bought a house for over $500,000 - dudes these are just average people!

Paranoia will destroy you

2006-08-25T15:39:00.000-07:00

I haven't wanted to write about this because I know it's really lame. Little H looks so much like me, and she's the whitest baby ever with these big blue eyes. It's just that she doesn't really look like her daddy at first glance. I am so paranoid that people will think I got it on with the mailman. I'm always afraid people are thinking, "Yeah right dude, that's YOUR baby. Ha."

A couple of times J has come home from the grocery store and told me that people have actually circled around twice and taken another look at him with her. It's hard to tell what people are thinking, but I don't know that most people know that a brown guy with dark brown eyes can have such a light skinned baby. Don't most people assume the darker color is dominant? And, of course they can't see J's white mom with her light blue eyes. I suppose when his mom is with us people just assume she's MY mom. His brother is very light skinned, if not for his African Americanish facial features, he could "pass" as white.

Last weekend, I had my mother in law pull out some of J's baby pictures.
(Sidenote: Can you believe that in almost 11 years of being together, I've only seen two baby pics of him? I thought it was a little odd.)
Looking at them, I felt tons better. J has told me he sees that she looks like him, but I couldn't see it. But when I saw baby J, there was her chin! Her smile! Her essence, she does look like her daddy. And that's enough for me. I just had to see something of him in her. Screw the rest of the world, I feel better and that's what matters.

I love MONKEYS

2006-08-25T15:18:00.000-07:00

People at work have been getting "monkeyed" - they leave their computer unlocked when they get up, and someone hops on and emails our department with the subject "I love monkeys" or something about monkeys. It's been going on for over a month and I would be tired of it, but I'm rarely in the office, so I'll be sitting at home and get these funky random monkey messages. J can't believe people at my job have so much fun.

It's nice, I love my job. I've been here a year now.
We're looking to buy a house - can you believe it? The housing market here is so steep, though. I think we're going to do it anyway (our rent is going up at least $200 a month which has prompted us to start looking for other options). We have a mortgage broker and a real estate agent working with us. We easily qualify for $200,000 with the monthly payment we want (we have nothing down), but there's not a whole lot in our county in that price range without going too far south - I REFUSE to do that commute. I know my quality of life would SUCK. I have expanded our search out a bit further east.
Three bedrooms aren't even a possibility, but I'm still feeling good. I am not going to allow myself to be discouraged. J is a carpenter, so if something needs work, he can do most of it, as long as it's livable enough to move into. We may try to stretch to $220,000 or so. We could get a lot more, because J has his own business, but we don't want both of us to work.

H is crawling now, although she spends more time pulling herself up to a standing position so she can bang on the coffee table. I think walking is not too far away. She's on a food strike. I think J force fed her one day and now she won't let us feed her anything with a spoon. He feels terrible and I don't really know what he did, if anything. I think he thought she needed to be eating and kept feeding her with the spoon when she was crying. Any ideas? I'm not too worried, I've never met an 8 year old who was still only breastfed, so I know she'll come around. How have you been?

Nurses!!!

2006-07-31T14:14:00.000-07:00

J and I have been doing the sign for nurse with H since she was 3 months old or so. I think it's the same sign as for milk, we just call it nurse. It looks like this: http://www.handspeak.com/tour/kids/index.php?kids=babyhow

Today when she was nursing, she started doing the sign for nurse!

Halfway There!!!

2006-07-28T11:21:00.000-07:00

When I was at my heaviest pregnant weight, I was appalled to realize that to get back down to the weight I was after doing WW, I would have to lose 70lbs. 70 lbs!!! How did I get so heavy? I gained 27 lbs during my pregnancy, but I started off too heavy to begin with. I decided to blame all the weight on pregnancy and look at it as losing the baby weight. Breastfeeding has also helped me.

Well, six months after H's birth, I am halfway there. I have lost 35 lbs and I have 35 more to go. (Ok, I've really only lost 34.5 lbs and have 35.5 to go, but let's not split hairs.)
I was at my heaviest weight ever when I got pregnant. I tried to do WW, but I was so depressed after the miscarriage and so angry that I wasn't still pregnant and just wanted to be pg again that it wasn't working for me. Actually, I think I gained a huge amount of weight right after the m/c from depression.

I hope to have the second 35 lbs gone by H's first birthday. 7.5 more pounds and I will be at my WW starting weight from six years ago. Not bad being 7.5 over my WW starting weight from so many years ago and a baby to boot.

I have been getting up and going to the gym at our apt. complex every morning and doing 20 min on the elliptical trainer. I really like it, but some idiot broke the A/C controls and it's been in the 90s here. There's also an indoor pool in the gym, so the air gets really hot. I look at it as more weight to burn from the heat.

I'm trying to not focus on the weight loss, but how good I feel. I feel like a teen again. My body doesn't ache, I'm developing more muscle, and J notices I've been teasing and flirting with him. All around, it's a good thing. Plus, it gets me some "me" time without baby.

Six months today!

2006-07-21T15:38:00.000-07:00

Little H is six months today. We took her for her well baby checkup. At first, we thought her weight (14lbs, 15.3oz) was in the 10th percentile, but the ped noticed that the weight chart in her chart was for boys. Once she pulled that out and put in a new one, she's in the 25th percentile for weight. She's now 26.5 inches long - she grew 2.5 inches in two months and she's in the 75th percentile for height. I'm thinking she may be tall and thin like daddy. Ok, maybe you can't tell yet, but I can hope, right?

The ped seemed impressed that she's been sitting up since 4 1/2 months and when she put her on the table said she may be one of those babies who starts walking at 9 months. She likes to get her feet under her when you try to put her in the crawling position. I have a feeling she's going to be crawling very soon. I think what's holding her back is she doesn't particularly like being on her tummy.

She had carrots for the first time today and ate the WHOLE JAR! She hasn't shown much interest in food except for those carrots. It was so nice to get to hold her after she ate and she wasn't immediately searching for a boooooob. It's been so hard to keep her full lately.

I took this pic last night. My MIL's cousin made this quilt for her.

Foiled!

2006-07-07T12:25:00.000-07:00

I decided to start going to the gym here at our apt. complex in the mornings before work. I deserve it - I've been giving J an 1 1/2 a night to work on music stuff. They have a few new elliptical machines, so I thought I would walk the five minutes over there and work out for 20 min.

I have totally fallen off the WW wagon and I'm vowing to get it together this week, since I have gained back 1 1/2 pounds I lost a week and a half ago.

Anyway, I get dressed, walk over there, and there's a sign on the door that they are closed for cleaning Wed and Thurs. But this is Friday! The door is locked and it's empty. Later, I got home and called. The woman at the desk said she would check and see if the cleaning is done and have it opened up.

I guess I'll have to try again tomorrow.

This is probably too much TMI, but here I go anyway

2006-07-06T15:18:00.000-07:00

I don't know if I've mentioned this, but my husband has anxiety/depression issues. He's been on meds for a few years, but never feels good. One side effect of anxiety is that he's uncomfortable and doesn't like being touched - even by me. The last, I don't even remember how long, we haven't had s*x unless I initiate. Then, when we did, um, I would be on top and he would lie there. We would probably do it about once a week, except when we were trying to get pregnant, we did it more often. I know, TMI, right?

Well, he's recently changed meds and in the past week, he's been showing a greater interest and we've actually tried some new positions (ok, nothing crazy, but just more than our me on top routine).

I was in the bedroom changing little H and he grabbed my butt! Earlier today, he grabbed my boob! I can't tell you how exciting this is for me. Not really the groping, but the fact that he's feeling better. Could we maybe actually have a s*x life starting? Whoo hoo!

Month 5

2006-06-27T13:54:00.000-07:00

H is five months already, as of the 21st! She's been sitting up for a few weeks now and is overall a happy baby.

Obsessions

2006-06-26T10:45:00.000-07:00

I feel like such a nut, there are certain things I obsess about all of the time:

1. My weight. I weigh less than I did pre-pregnancy (thank you breastfeeding), but I still have 39 pounds to lose to be back to my weight watchers goal weight and 11 to be back down to my highest before I started weight watchers five years ago. I'm trying to cut myself a break because I did have a baby, but it's hard.

2. My boobs. They are huge. And they sag and they're just not like they were. I love that they are feeding my baby so well, but they are huge and contribute to making me look fat in pictures.

3. When to have a second child. I saw my group of friends from high school this past weekend and some of them have kids pretty close together (one has babies 15 months apart - the first was fertility treatments, and the second one was a surprise). I always wanted my kids close together, but H is five months already. Things are so perfect right now, I don't know if we could do it with two kids, but to have them two years apart, we would have to start trying again in about a year. Ack. I know it's stupid, but I go around and around with this one.

4. H's head. She has a line down the center of her forehead. This is called a metopic ridge. The pediatric nurse said it's ok as long as she doesn't have any other facial or head abnormalities, but is it going to be there forever?

Those are just some of the things I spend my days worrying about. Well, those are the little things. I also worry about money/buying a house/new (used) car.

Life is pretty darned good right now and I just have to keep having faith that somehow it will work out and we will find a way to buy a house in this overpriced (and getting worse) market.

Taking a break...

2006-06-12T10:58:00.000-07:00

... from my MIL. She is driving me nuts, being very pushy about needing to see H every weekend, and generally pissing me off. J is irritated with her too and he's cutting me off from her. He's decided he'll deal with her, let her see H without me being there, and set firm boundaries with her.

For example: She comes over and immediately takes H from me. I only see her when she's crying and MIL hands her to me to nurse her. When I get her calmed down, she takes her again, even though I tell her she's tired and done. This happens EVERY TIME to the point I don't want to spend time with her because I don't get to see my baby. Then, she keeps pressuring us to let her sleep on her stomach. Gah.

Tensions between MIL and I have gotten too much and we've had a big blowout in the past so we're not taking any chances. At least J realizes it's his mom being weird about the baby and he's not mad at me for stirring stuff up.

Random bits - blog name/sleep/new tricks/summer vacation

2006-06-09T15:17:00.000-07:00

I tried to post two days ago, but Blogger was down when I tried.
I have had such a hard time posting lately because I don't really know what direction to take this blog. Should I get a new blog with a new name? Because, while I want another baby, I don't want another one right now, a la Britney.
I think I was ovulating yesterday. What's up with my body thinking it needs to be doing this right now?

Little H is awesome, well except for the fact she's being a restless sleeper, waking up more and kicking us. I'm thinking we may have to get the crib out of our storage unit, but we don't really have room for it and I know it would just piss her off to be away from us. Just this week she has started waking up at 2:20 and 4:20. It used to be that she would wake me up by sucking on my pillow case and I would feed her. She wouldn't open her eyes. Well, not anymore. At 4:20 she was wide eyed. She also likes to kick me in the stomach while I'm feeding her, so I wake up more too. After she fell asleep and I popped her off the boob, she rolled on her side and started kicking me. I tapped j on the shoulder and he held her on his chest while he slept. Only, he didn't really sleep and she kept kicking her legs. I'm not sure if she's sleeping or awake when she's doing this. Neither of us are getting very rested - maybe not her either. She woke up for good at 7:00. Normally, J gets up and plays with her for an hour and a half and lets me sleep in, but since he slept with her on his chest, I got up this morning and kept her until 9:00 when I had to get ready for work. We can't keep getting this little sleep, I don't think. I want to start making notes so we can decide if we need to make any changes.

My Gd, it seems like we're the most attached attachment parents I know. She takes every nap on one of us, she wakes up if we try to put her down. She sleeps in bed with us and spends most of her day either breastfeeding or in the baby b*jorn or in our arms. I'm not sure if the napping on us thing is working for me, but J really likes it. He was getting sad yesterday, thinking that soon she won't WANT to nap on us. I'm glad he's enjoying her baby phase and don't want to push her out of our arms if he likes it.

On Tuesday she learned how to roll from her stomach to her back. She has been rolling back to front since 10 weeks. Now she's unstoppable. For all intents and purposes, she's mobile. We had to put a pillow in front of the chair to keep her from bonking her head. She grabs everything and sticks it in her mouth. I can't eat as easily now while I nurse her, nothing is safe from her reach. I have had her hand end up in my ice cream bowl a few times now and hastily wiped off her hand before she could get any trace amounts in her mouth.

Dooney and Cecily both had their babies this week, I've been doing a lot of blog reading watching their stories unfold.

I have a question: H HATES the car now. It may be because we have her in the Xtra cab of our truck and she can't see out, just stares at the back of the seat. My MIL has rented a house on the Oregon coast in July - about a month away - it would be a five hour drive - would you risk it? You could stop on the way. She would probably scream for 45 minutes - freaking out and losing it. It's a month away, maybe she'll love the car by that point. Or, it could be FIVE hours, actually TEN hours round trip of screaming baby. And then a crappy bed at the ocean - I would probably bring the co-sleeper to keep her from falling out of the bed.

Parent advice

2006-05-29T15:25:00.000-07:00

Ok, so what do the heck do you do when you're out at a street fair in the University district and your baby has a poopy diaper? Since it's the U district, no restaurant (not even Jack in the crack) has a changing table. I walked for blocks, but couldn't find anywhere to change her. I ended up walking back to the truck and changing her on the tailgate, but that was a crappy spot for a diaper change. And what if I didn't have the truck? Do you put your changing pad on the sidewalk and change her on the ground? Use your lap somehow?

Here's a mommy question: Did you always get the letdown reflex when breastfeeding? Because I have plenty of milk, but don't get any tingly, burny feeling, actually I don't get any feeling at all. Am I weird?

I think I have other questions, but those are my main two right now.

First Mother's Day

2006-05-15T11:33:00.000-07:00

My mom came to visit on Friday night and stayed until Sat oneish. I got flowers from my father in law on Saturday, when we opened the door to go out to breakfast, they were sitting on the doorstep (he lives in L.A. and had them delivered). I was so surprised that he sent them to me.

Yesterday (Mother's Day), when I walked into the living room I saw a card sitting on the table. I don't know why, but I asked J, "Is that for your mom?" He was like, no, it's for you.

It was hands down the sweetest thing I think he's ever done - he went and bought fingerpaints, wrote "Happy Mother's Day Mom" on the front of the card, and had Harper put her handprint on it with the fingerpaints. Inside it says, "We love you. From Harper and Jamal." It has another handprint inside of it. The cover is funny because her first print she had way too much paint on her hand so there are two prints. I'll try to take a picture of it and post it.
I asked him when they made it and he said at 7am when I woke him up to change her diaper he did it then. I guess I handed her to him and immediately fell back to sleep so he wasn't worried about me catching them.
She didn't have a speck of paint on her to give it away, either. He said it was a little hard getting all of the paint out of her cuticles. Heh.
It was not only the thought that was so sweet, but the planning. Big props to J!

They also got me a bath gift set, which we might take back because even though it's lavender, it's sort of smelly and neither of us like really perfumy smells.

Later yesterday, we went to his mom's for lunch. We then took a long walk in the 70 degree weather. We're having a terrific spring.

J is such a good father and I don't know how people do it without help. Of course, I'm also working full time so I really need the help. This morning after I fed and changed H it was 5:30 and she was wide awake. I woke him up and asked him to take her into the other room so I could keep sleeping. The man who normally would wake up for nothing and preferably not before 10am, got right up and took her into the living room. I got to sleep for at least two more hours before he brought her in to eat again. This morning, I fed her on her boppy with the laptop propped on my knees so I could do work and he could eat breakfast and take a shower before I went into the office for 2 hours.

Well, now I'm at work and should try and do some work.

Boy, it's been a long time

2006-05-11T14:05:00.000-07:00

J and I got Harp's 3 1/2 month pics at Se@rs for Mother's Day for our moms.

Here are some of them. J & I didn't plan on being in them and he ddn't shave and I don't think I even combed my hair.

What can I say? I'm awed by how pretty she is.

Three months today!

2006-04-21T10:22:00.000-07:00

Harper is three months old today. It's true - they really do grow up fast. Wednesday, she woke up early and J took her into the living room so I could sleep a little longer. A while later, he came in carrying her and looking sheepish, "I didn't want to wake you, but she rolled over."

For the last week, whenever we put her on her play mat she immediately starts trying to roll over - and then gets frustrated when she can't. Well, Wed. she did it - three times: once more when I got up and then once in bed when I was trying to nurse her.
The baby books seem to contradict each other as far as when babies start rolling over, but it looks to me like it's early for her to be rolling from back to tummy.

This new development is really exciting, but now she thinks she has to do her new skill EVERY TIME she's on her back. Changing table? Must try to roll over.

Then, when she woke up at 3:30 to eat, she kept trying to roll over in bed. I don't really want her sleeping on her tummy yet in our bed, so I would flip her back over - plus, she gets frustrated rather quickly once she's on her stomach.
I tried feeding her from 3:30-5:00am and she wouldn't fall asleep. I tried putting her in the co-sleeper because she kept kicking me with her legs. She got frustrated there rather quickly, since her feet kept hitting the side when she tried to flip around.

I woke J up at 5 and he played with her from 5-7 and brought her into bed asleep. She woke up soon after that and I again fed her from 7-8:30, but she WON'T fall asleep, no matter how tired she is. J took her at 8:30 and I got in the shower. It's now 10:30 and they're out on a drive, hoping this will work.

She's so darn cute and sweet. Even when I'm tired and frustrated that she would rather flip around in bed than sleep, she talks to me and I just have to smile.

This morning when I was changing her, she hooked my hand in the crook of her arm and held me there - she's getting so strong! It's so hard, it's exciting to see her grow and do stuff, but sad at the same time that she's not going to be tiny much longer.

I got ripped off!

2006-04-17T21:26:00.000-07:00

My baby turned 12 weeks on Sat. As I have said before, she doesn't take a bottle, and she hates pacifiers. She still wakes up at night around 3, 4, or sometimes 5am to eat. I started working full time again last week, but I'm mostly home, only going into the office for a max of three hours at a time.

Tell me why then, has my period returned? Yep, Aunt Flo came to visit yesterday - and today I am bleeding quite heavily. My poor body to be producing milk and dealing with cramps and heavy bleeding. No wonder I feel so wiped out.

First day back

2006-04-10T14:45:00.000-07:00

Today was my first day back to work. Everyone was really nice to me. First I stopped by HR to fill out paperwork and hen I met with the other writer at 10am.
My boss came by and told me he needed to talk to me. I followed him to a conference room. He told me they're keeping my original start date of August. This means I have to fill out my review by Friday and I'm elligible for a raise next week!

They took me out to lunch at 11:30 and when I was on my way home at 12:45, I called J and H was crying. I only work 15min away from home. I guess she had been crying for 20 min but fell asleep about five min. after we got off the phone.

I started to work on my review when I got home, and she woke up after about half an hour. She ate for about an hour and now she's asleep on the bo*ppy on my lap and I'm doing work on my laptop.

It's so nice to be home - and getting paid! I don't have much work to do this week, but I do have my review to work on, so I'll be busy but not crazy busy. Also, I don't get paid by the hour so I'm not worried about breaks to feed (and cuddle) her.

Yippie!!

2006-04-07T12:14:00.000-07:00

J's job ended last night, no notice, just "well, we don't have anymore work for you."
So I went in and talked to my boss today. He doesn't care if I'm in the office or not, as long as the work gets done. He's getting a docking station for the laptop so I can just dock it when I do come in.
I am so excited! I don't have to worry about leaving little H for long periods of time for at least a few months!!! And she'll get used to J being home with her and we can keep trying the bottle if we want to but not have to stress about it.

I am so happy - what a load off! I hadn't realized how much it had been weighing me down until I finally talked to my boss.

Sometimes I don't understand people

2006-04-06T16:19:00.000-07:00

I went to the outlet mall today to get some baby clothes. When we left, I set the diaper bag on top of the car. I have to take it out of the stroller in order to fold it up, and I must have not seen it when I got in.

When I drove off, I took the long way through the parking lot. At one point, I had a stop sign and two people were crossing. The lady was staring at me like, "aren't you going to stop" before I even got to the stop sign. Then I passed two sets of two more people. Not one of these people motioned to me that I had something on top of my car.

It wasn't until I was out on the road that it slid off the top and onto the trunk that I saw it. I was able to pull over and get it before anything fell out - but geez! If I saw someone with something on their car, I would motion to them.

So I wonder if that stupid lady was just giving me a weird look because I had something on top of my car, not because she was afraid I was going to stop. But why not tell me? Sometimes people suck.

Some fun pix

2006-04-06T10:28:00.000-07:00

Here are some of my latest fav pics:

She wasn't really swinging, I just set her in there for a photo op:

Who's bigger - Harper or her doll?

She loves hats - she even put up with us playing with her stacking bird on her head.
And wow, does Daddy look sleepy.

Free formula

2006-04-06T10:04:00.000-07:00

The biggest thing I've learned about breastfeeding is that it took so much more out of me than I expected. I have a new view on it, it takes so much dedication that if you can't do it, I don't blame you (like my sister in law who didn't try because she thinks it's disgusting). It was hard enough for me and we had no problems with latch, weight gain, etc.

Dooney posted that her hospital gave free formula. I started to write all this assvice, but it's her blog.
This is what I wrote: Hide the formula from yourself for the first few weeks - breastfeeding is so much easier now than it was the first three weeks. I often had thoughts in the middle of the night of how easy it would be to just grab a bottle of formula and someone else could feed her. The first few days and nights she slept in half hour increments, waking up to nurse, get changed and fall back to sleep. When my milk came in it definitely got better.

Oh - and if the hospital hadn't given me a nipple shield, I don't think I would have made it. Totally kept me from cracking and bleeding.

I didn't know that babies suck so much in the first few days, even though they're not getting much. I think they suck more at first than they do later, which sucks (hee hee) because your poor boobies aren't used to it yet.

Free is good, but remember it's just that first can that's free and then you pay and pay and pay.
I loved that the hospital we delivered at is rated "baby friendly" by the World Health Organization and they work hard to keep their rating - they don't have a nursery and they didn't give out free formula or any formula logoed stuff. Instead, all of their nurses were highly trained in lactation and they had lactation consultants come around each day. For me, someone who hadn't wanted the whole hospital delivery experience, I was very impressed. I don't know how they would be for women who didn't want to breastfeed, if they have formula on hand or whatever, but they work really hard to support breastfeeding.

So my feeling is this: Breastfeeding is hard. Having formula in those first weeks would have been easy, but now I would be paying $12 a can every three days (what my neighbor says she pays), my allergy baby wouldn't be getting the benefit of breastmilk.

10 weeks: The Harper Report

2006-04-02T23:47:00.000-07:00

Harper turned 10 weeks on Satruday. She's sleeping on my chest right now and I'm on my laptop. I wanted to write down some cool stuff she's been doing.

-Smiling. Now she smiles all the time, not just when we tickle her face. She's starting to smile with her body, tensing and getting her legs involved.

-Today J walked across the room and she was in her bouncy seat. She turned her head and followed him as he passed by her. He did it a few times just to watch her watch him.

-This one was by far the coolest - Thurs. morning she woke up and was fussing (she sleeps in our bed). I leaned over to look at her and she stopped fussing and smiled at me.

-Today, J was holding her and she was trying to cry, she started her pouty little lip thing. I was talking to her and did the pouty lip back. She couldn't keep pouting, she started smiling at me.

-She loves the baby b*jorn. She faces outward and when we wear her around the house, on walks, or at the store, she just looks at everything. Now I have a thing where when I go shopping if she's awake, I put her in the bb, if she's asleep I leave her in her car seat but bring in the bb with me in case she wakes up. This solves her fussing in her seat and me having to carry her around the store in my arms.

-She has started chattering a lot - today she was making noises we haven't heard her make before.

-When I am about to nurse her and she knows it's coming, she makes these cute sounds like she's yelling at me to hurry up. It's the only time she does those sounds. I like to wait an extra second just to hear it.

-When she nurses in bed with me she runs the back of her hand back and forth over her eyes. She also likes to grab her hair and play with it. Of course, it looks like she's been pulling out some of her hair too from this habit.

-She lets us put her on her little mat in her baby gym now and she looks at her toys.

-She has a little blanket with a dog head on it. She likes to chew on his ears.

-We call her Munch because she likes to munch. It seems like her nickname is going to be Harp. I also call her The Tiny or Little.

-She's in the 25th percentile for height and weight. At her two month checkup, she weighed 10lbs, 11.9oz and was 22 1/4 inches long. Her little pinhead is only in the 10th percentile. She definitely didn't get her daddy's big head.

Thoughts on the birth

2006-04-02T23:04:00.000-07:00

Now that I have finished the birth story (the post below this one - read it first) - it only took me 10 weeks! - I want to write about my feelings after all was said and done - and what I feel I learned from my experience.

-My midwife was stoked we had a vaginal birth because it means we are good candidates for a vaginal birth, should we do this again. You can't be a VBAC and have a birth center birth.

-Episiotomies bite the big one. Mine wasn't even that big and healed well. I didn't have any other tearing or cuts or anything, but s*x still hurts. I hope this goes away. We can only do one position pretty much and it hurts. I've had it looked at - there's nothing wrong, you can't even hardly see the scar. This sucks.

-My midwife told me that even with a vacuum delivery, an episiotomy isn't necessary. She was afraid to fight the doctor on it though, thinking he would throw in the towl and do a c-section. Someone who did cranial sachral work on Harper's head said that she sees more damage to babies heads from the vacuum delivery when there was no episiotomy, though.

-I was so thankful our birth class covered interventions and what to expect. Ironically, I felt more prepared for interventions than pain coping techniques after the class.

-I would not have a hospital birth without a doula. This is huge. The nurses talked to my midwife (whose role became doula at the hospital) before we got there and we had them all pulling for us to have a vaginal birth. Also, she knew what was necessary intervention-wise and what wasn't as far as the baby's health. This way, we could stand up for what we wanted but still know that our baby was safe. Also, she was the go-between with the doctor for us, a role neither of us could play because we were tired and didn't know how to phrase things like she did. Why the hell doesn't health insurance cover doulas? Best $1000 I've ever spent.

-I still don't understand why they wanted to do a c-section and why we ended up with a vacuum delivery. I found out later that if you have little or no amniotic fluid, most doctors and some midwives don't let you labor, they go straight to a section. We had that going against us, and the fact that our water had been broken for sixteen hours by the time we got to the hospital, as well as being a birth center transfer that they didn't want to take (they wanted us to go across the lake to a hospital in Seattle instead of them which is two blocks from the birth center. The midwife had us signed in as an emergency transfer, which I didn't know at the time either. She did this so the hospital would have another layer to cover their butts).

-We didn't get the hepatitis shot for Harper - the nurse told me she would do the same thing. I have since been told two other times from nurses that the reason they do it on newborns is because with some people that's the only time their baby will see a doctor.

-I wish I had seen my baby come out.

-I wish I had been more present. I even miss the fact that I couldn't feel her coming out of me. Even though the pain leading up to the epidural was really bad, the emptiness of feeling during pushing my baby out and feeling disconnected to my body was pretty bad too. But I don't know, maybe that's not the drug, maybe it's labor. Maybe it's so intense you just have to go away. I wasn't present in my body for about three weeks afterwards.

-Not everyone can have an epidural, be prepared with some pain-coping techniques. Mine took 20 minutes to get in - my friend couldn't get one because they told her she was one of the 3% who they can't find the spot (and she's thin). My other friend had it only work on one side - and with her first baby they couldn't do it because her labor went so fast.

Birth Story part 3

2006-04-02T22:54:00.000-07:00

This is the final installment of the birth story. You can see the first two here: http://wannababynow.blogspot.com/2006/01/birth-story-part-1.html
and here: http://wannababynow.blogspot.com/2006/02/birth-story-part-2.html.

After signing in, I believe they started the pitocin right away. Heike was adamant that they do it before the epidural so I would make progress as quickly as possible. When the epidural guy came in, the nurses had warned us he liked to talk. He had me roll forward on the edge of the bed and he put the topical antiseptic on my back. He said he couldn’t feel my spine and announced to everyone in the room (midwife, student, nurse, Jamal and Jamal’s mom) that sometimes when women gain weight in pregnancy they gain it in their lower backs. I was pretty embarrassed.

Then he tells me he’s going to rely on me to tell him where he’s poking. He would press the needle on my back and I was supposed to tell him left right or middle. I told him I wasn’t sure, but I would make a guess. I would say “left” and then “middle” when he got to what I thought was the right spot. He would poke and announce he hit bone and would have to try again.

After this went on for about twenty minutes and he had poked me about twenty times, the nurse asked him if she could try something. She grabbed my shoulders and had me turn so that I was sitting with my shoulders more square to my knees. Gee, after she did that he was able to get it right in. He just didn’t know to put me in the right position. When he got it in successfully, he let out a “Whoop.” I jumped at this, because I thought he had made a mistake. Then he tells me it’s my lucky day. Jamal said during this whole episode everyone in the room was rolling their eyes like, “What’s with this guy?”

The epidural was great after the hours of pain I had had. My right leg got really numb and I couldn’t move it at all at first. I had so many wires coming out of me – I was a bit overwhelmed, since this was nothing like the birth center birth I had wanted. There, we had dim lights and candles. Here, I had bright lights and tons of people. I had the IV in my hand (they couldn’t find a vein in my arm) pumping in the pitocin and fluids, a blood pressure cuff, the epidural needle in my back, a catheter, a fetal monitor pushed up inside me next to my baby’s head, and a tube pushing fluid back up into my uterus since we didn’t have any amniotic fluid. When they were putting the monitor on Harper’s head, the doctor told us she felt a lot of hair. This was really cool, knowing she had a lot of hair before she was even born. I asked Jamal what color he thought it was.

Once I had the epidural, I had another hour to dilate. In total, I was given two hours from when we got there to go from five to ten. With the epidural in, the doctor told me to rest, the midwife and student went down the hall to sleep in the waiting room, and Jamal stretched out on the bed in the window seat to sleep. Apparently, he couldn’t sleep because his stomach was upset, too much coffee on an empty stomach. He went to the truck to get his sandwich and took it to the cafeteria to eat it.

I think I was asleep during this time when my body was doing its dilating. Jamal told me later that he was praying like crazy when he was in the cafeteria. His prayer was, “We want a healthy baby and we want her out now. Harper Sage we want you out now.” Over and over, even though we hadn’t even officially named her that yet.

While he was still gone, the doctor came in and checked me. It had only been an hour since I was at five. Doctor M announced that I was complete and I could push. We were in shock. My mother in law ran down the hall to tell the midwife and student. They came back with her. Everyone was so excited. Jamal’s mom decided she should call him and let him know.

I had a crowd around my bed cheering me on and helping me push. I can’t remember at exactly what point the doctor started talking about a vacuum delivery, but he asked me how much energy I had and that if he tried the vacuum thing I would have to work with him. I told him I had plenty of energy.

When I started to push, Jamal held one foot, Andrea the student held my other foot, Heike the midwife was up by my face telling me to push and supporting me. My mother in law was in the room, as well as the nurse. I had two hours to push and try to get the baby down far enough so they could use the vacuum. They kept threatening c-section.

I pushed and pushed. My eyes felt like they were going to explode. Jamal told me later my face was turning purple. I hadn’t had control over any of the events that got us this far, but pushing my hardest was the one thing I could do. I couldn’t feel any pain with the epidural, and they were having me watch the monitor to see when I was having a contraction and push with it. I could feel pressure, though. Whenever I felt the urge to poo, I knew that was a contraction coming on and I would tell everyone I had to push. They had me take a deep breath, push as long as I could, and do it three times per contraction.

At one time the doctor came in and asked me how I was doing. Again, I perked up. He left to go do a c-section on someone else and it bought me forth more minutes to push. The nurse was concerned that Harper’s soft spot was moving down, but the rest of her head wasn’t. I think she was a little cockeyed or something. When you could see her head when I pushed, Heike asked for a mirror and held it for me. I looked, I saw her hair, but I couldn’t push effectively with my eyes open, they hurt too bad and I felt like I was “wasting” a contraction.

They wanted me to keep pushing harder. My midwife asked the nurse (whose name was Jennifer) if they had a squat bar to attach to the bed. Jennifer was concerned I wouldn’t be able to stand up and squat with the epidural, but by this time I could feel my legs. I pushed with the squat bar for awhile and it helped her head come down a bit.

The pushing didn’t seem that hard to me, since I couldn’t feel pain. I probably pushed a lot harder than I needed to, since I was on such a tight timeline and I couldn’t feel my contractions. The epidural was a necessity though, since feeling myself dilate from five to ten in an hour would have been way too much.

The doctor came in and checked me. He said he could try the vacuum, but that Harper’s shoulders might get stuck and she could have permanent damage. My mother in law said, “That doesn’t happen that often, does it?” Andrea looked at Heike and said, “If it does, you could turn the baby, right?” Heike just looked at her. We all knew that they wouldn’t let her. I had done enough reading to know that shoulder dystocia could be dealt with by changing your position, my baby wasn’t that big, and I wasn’t that small. But poor Jamal, he was totally freaked out by this.

This is when having the midwife there made all the difference. She told me, “Your baby is fine. I will let you know if there’s something to worry about.” This gave me the confidence to keep pushing. I knew she had delivered over 1000 babies without all this technology. I don’t know if we would have had the confidence to keep going for a vaginal birth without her – the nurse was on the phone trying to get the most experienced nurse in the room to be on hand in case the baby’s head got stuck.

The doctor got out the vacuum. Before he used it, he told Jamal to turn away, that he was going to cut an episiotomy. I sort of lost it here and wasn’t as emotionally present for her birth as I had wanted to be. An episiotomy was the one thing I didn’t want. Heike was whispering to me, “Take the episiotomy. It’s better than a caesarean.” I felt the pressure of him cutting and I felt the blood running down my butt.

After he cut me, he put the vacuum on Harper’s head. He pulled and I pushed. The vacuum popped off, hitting my poor little urethra as it flew off. He put it on again with my next contraction. I realized at this point that I was getting tired. This time, instead of only pushing three times with the contraction, he had me push a fourth time. I did it, even though I didn’t have much more left to give. Heike wanted to use the mirror again, but I was afraid to look after the episiotomy. I regret this, I wish I would have looked.

The doctor had Jamal put gloves on so that he could help catch the baby. I think it took four contractions with the vacuum to get her mostly out. The doctor held her head and told Jamal to grab her around the ribs. Jamal said he was afraid he would break her. They pulled her out and put her on my stomach. She was crying and I didn’t know it at the time, but she pooped as soon as she came out – I saw it on my hands later and didn’t know how it got there until Jamal told me. Jamal cut the cord. I can’t remember this part very clearly, but I do remember Jamal crying and looking for a tissue because his nose was running so much.

We have a video clip my mother in law took where I am exclaiming how small her fingernails are. I also remember Jamal ended up holding her and walking around – it must have been after they weighed her and Heike kept telling him to bring the baby back to me. She really wanted me to breastfeed before they took her blood so her blood sugar didn’t turn up low. I felt so triumphant to have pushed her out in spite of everything. It was the most amazing feeling ever. Jamal and I were on a major high to have come out of it without a c-section and he kept telling me how amazing I had been.

She was born at 10:53am, twenty three hours after Heike broke my water. Since her water was broken so long (they don’t like it to go past 18 hours – I thought the cutoff was 24 hours, but whatever), they kept us in the hospital an extra day. But we actually enjoyed our extra day in the hospital. The day she was born, my parents came to the hospital and J’s brother and girlfriend came. The next day, his mom came later in the day, but other than that it was just us, our new little family getting to know each other. The hospital didn’t have a nursery, so Harper was with us the whole time and I got plenty of help breastfeeding. Also, the castor oil kicked in BIG TIME the next day, so it was nice to have someone else have to change the bedding.

Have you ever?

2006-03-28T23:40:00.000-08:00

Ok, just saw this on Day's blog and thought it would be fun - I should be going to bed since Tiny is sleeping but...

Have you ever? Game:

Taken a picture naked? Yes, plenty. One of which was on prom night skinny dipping and my friend's boyfriend took the pic. I wonder where it is now...

Made out with a member of the same sex? Oh yes. Quite a few times. ;)

Danced in front of your mirror? Who doesn't?

Told a lie? Yes.

Gotten in a car with people you just met? Nope, I'm too big of a chicken.

Been in a fist fight? Not with my fists - more of a catfight. High school baby.

Had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back? Yep - high school again. :(

Been arrested? Nope.

Left your house without telling your parents? Well, my friend and I had the boys come to us. We met them outside.

Ditched school to do something more fun? No, my best friend's dad was the band director and it was a small school so we walked the straight and narrow.

Slept in a bed with a member of the same sex? Oh yes...

Seen someone die? No.

Kissed a picture? Yes. How embarrassing.

Slept in until 3? I'm sure I probably have, but I don't remember now. I am a morning person.

Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by? Yes.

Played dress up? Yes.

Fallen asleep at work/school? Yes, especially pregnant, I would find an empty desk, set my cell phone alarm, crawl under the desk and take a catnap.

Felt an earthquake? Holy crap yes - the big one here in Seattle in 2000. I was home by myself that day and I thought I was going to die.

Touched a snake? Yes.

Ran a red light? Well, I've pushed it when it's yellow to red.

Had detention? Hmm, can't remember. I don't think so.

Been in a car accident? Yes, but nothing major.

Pole danced? Yes - I actually stripped for a night, but then decided I didn't like the lap dancing part so I never went back. Liked being on stage, though.

Been lost? Yes in Oakland. J and I got off at the wrong BART station and didn't realize it until we had walked around in a shady area for a couple of hours.

Sang karaoke? Oh yeah. "I will survive hey hey."

Done something you told yourself you wouldn’t? Oh yes.

Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? Maybe once.

Caught a snowflake on your tongue? When I was young.

Kissed in the rain? Well, I do live in Washington.

Sang in the shower? Yep.

Got your tongue stuck to a pole? No.

Ever gone to school partially naked? I don't think so.

Sat on a roof top? Yep.

Played chicken? No. My brother did, though and he and the other kid actually ran into each other. My brother made up some story that he was reaching for something that fell onto the floor.

Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? No.

Been told you’re hot by a complete stranger? Yes.

Broken a bone? Nope, knock on wood.

Mooned/flashed someone? Yep.

Forgotten someone’s name? Yes.

Blacked out from drinking? Nope, not a big drinker.

Played a prank on someone? Yep.

Felt like killing someone? Yes, probably - can't remember who now.

Made a parent cry? Yep. My mom - my dad too, but that was his fault.

Cried over someone? Hasn't everyone?

Had sex more than 10 times in a weekend? I really don't think so, but I'd like to try. I would be happy with once a week right now.

Had/Have a dog? My family's dog - Brute. I named him. I haven't had one as an adult, though.

Been in a band? No, unless you count high school concert/pep/marching band. (Flute)

Drank 25 sodas in a day? Disgusting, no! I have a friend who drank 12 Dr. Peppers in one day while fixing his car. He didn't do it to show off, I went to see him and he had all the cans stacked next to him. Gross.

Shot a gun? Yep, I got my first BB gun aat 8, and my first shotgun at 12. I shot a handgun (at targets) when I went to visit my bro in Wyoming two and a half years ago. He was impressed that I'm still a good shot.

You're It Ladies - come on, fess up!

Itchy and scratchy

2006-03-28T23:21:00.000-08:00

Poor little H. On Friday, she started this ear-piercing screaming thing like she's in pain. It doesn't last too long, but she doesn't fuss and warn us that she's upset like she usually does, she just all of a sudden FREAKS. The saddest part is when she's doing it she locks eyes with you like, "Help me!"

We didn't know if she was in pain or just in a bad mood or what. She doesn't have a temp and when J talked to his mom, she said it could be an ear infection. I didn't think she was sick, but J was super worried about her (because she hasn't acted like this up until now) and so we took her to the ped today.

Right away the NP saw that she has dry scaly patches behind her ears and on the back of her neck. The red spots on the back of her neck I thought were part of her birth mark are also eczema. She also has a horrible case of cradle crap we've been working on.

Turns out she has eczema and sensitive skin and she's probably reacting to something I've been eating. Poor baby. Can you imagine having itches all over your head that you can't scratch? No wonder why she freaks out, I probably would too.

I have sensitive skin and I get eczema and so does J. What a bummer that I'm going to have to start going through my diet to see if it's something I've been eating. I wonder what other of our lame traits we'll pass on to her.

Thank goodness I've been breastfeeding, the poor little thing probably needs all the immunity I can give her. I wonder if we'll have to be careful when we start feeding her real food.

Blessings

2006-03-27T20:13:00.000-08:00

Throughout my life, I've always seemed to have things work out, even if they don't look like they will.
Recently, it happened again. A few weeks ago, J's job told him they might not have work for him for awhile. Luckily, he got work with a friend for a couple of days and then got on another project at work.

Shortly after that, my job called and asked if I can do some work from home before I come back. I said yes and I've been doing two hours a day. I felt like if I work two hours a day from home now, they'll be more willing to work with me when I go back to work. I'm hoping to work part time from home since I have THE BABY THAT HATES ALL BOTTLES.

Well, I am SO GLAD I said yes, even though it was a hard decision. When J gave his notice on Friday that April 14th would be his last day, they told him, "Oh, by the way, we don't have much work for you next week." He has tomorrow and Wednesday off, no pay. But now we don't have to worry about finances because I can just put in two 8 hour days at home since he'll be here to help out with little H. I can just spread those 8 hours throughout the day around her schedule.

New pics

2006-03-25T11:21:00.000-08:00

I'm supposed to be working right now, since she's asleep, but I wanted to upload some new pics first. She is so cute, if I do say so myself. What you can't tell from these pics is how blue her eyes are.

I'm lov*in' it...

2006-03-12T08:27:00.000-08:00

...being a mom, that is. Yeah, it's McD's ad right now, but I have started to really love being a mom. It's so intense. She's started to smile, and she's very attached to me. I love watching her check out new things.

She loves nursing and J and I are trying to figure out how we're going to swing me going back to work.

Oops, I hear her, I better go. I'll try and write a better post soon.

Goodbye...

2006-03-04T13:46:00.000-08:00

... to my 1991 Honda CRX. I had you for seven years and you were the best car a girl could ask for. I hope your new owner will take care of you.

You just aren't safe or practical for a baby. I'm driving my SIL's old Volvo for now until we buy another car. (You can actually see it in the left hand corner of the top pic.)

Decisions, decisions

2006-03-04T13:40:00.000-08:00

I'm supposed to be working on taxes while Harper is asleep, so I'll make this quick. My job emailed me yesterday. It seems that they didn't replace me with anyone for the 12 weeks I'm out and now work is picking up. They want to know if I will come in for an afternoon a week and work an additional 10-15 hours from home starting the middle of the month. It would be to write a training curriculum.

I can't do 20 hours a week, but I could possibly do 10. It would be a stretch, though. Jamal has been working in Seattle and has been getting home from work around six instead of four like he used to get home when he was working at the job site. Hopefully that job will pick up again soon and he'll be closer to home.

I don't know what to do. I'm thinking that if I do this and they see how well I work from home they'll let me work part time from home when I go back next month. If Jamal is home with me, I'll still get to bf her and we'll still get my pay and bennies.

After discussing it, I am going to set up a meeting this week with my boss and the other writer to find out more about the project.

When I thought about going back to work, I didn't realize how much nursing would mean to Harper - I know, I'm pretty dumb, huh? She still nurses so much, and I don't see that changing in the next few weeks... and I want what's best for her. So maybe this working from home thing will work out.

Birth Story Part 2

2006-02-27T16:31:00.000-08:00

I sort of lost it once I got home. I had been in pain since at least 2:30 and finding out that my contractions weren’t doing anything really bummed me out. Also, the castor oil was supposed to make me have diarrhea, but what it did was make me throw up (until the day after I delivered – then I had explosive diarrhea). So I would be having contractions and throwing up, to the point where I had nothing left in my stomach and was just dry heaving.

I didn’t want to take the third dose of castor oil. In my mind, I had decided I wanted to go to the hospital and get the pitocin and the epidural. I was done. I hadn’t slept much the night before and we had been going since the ultrasound that morning. I knew that Jamal wasn’t ready to give up the birth center birth, though, and I remember him saying that the hospital had its own problems that we would have to deal with. Even though I told him I wasn’t going to take the castor oil, he made me another ice cream/orange juice/castor oil shake and brought it to me in bed. I realized this was my last chance to have a birth center birth and drank it. I still remember the waxy flavor.

This time, I was able to lie in bed and sleep between the contractions. For some odd reason, I would feel the urge to pee when I would have a contraction, so I would get out of bed and sit on the toilet. I threw up this dose of castor oil too, and just kept making my way back and forth from bed to bathroom.

At 2:30am, Jamal called Heike and told her we wanted to come back to the birth center. She agreed to meet us there at 3:15. I think we were running a little late and didn’t get there until 3:30. I don’t remember the drive being as painful as it had been earlier. When we got there, Heike and Andrea sat down with us in one of the birth rooms and said that it was time for us to go to the hospital, my labor had stopped again and there wasn’t anything else they could do for me at the birth center. She was going to start making calls to find a hospital to transfer us to. She said we should decide whether or not we wanted her to come with us. If she came with us, she would take on the roll of doula once we got there.

Heike and Andrea left the room so we could discuss whether or not we wanted them to come with us. Looking back now, it’s hard for me to imagine that it was even a decision, since they were so key to our getting a vaginal birth. Anyway, after talking it out and thinking about how we would be in an unfamiliar hospital with people we had never met before, we decided to have them come. Things moved quickly after this, since the doctor that was coming in at 7am apparently liked to hurry things along, so Heike wanted to get there as soon as possible and have me started on the pitocin so I was in very active labor by the time he came on. We got to the hospital at about 4am.

This mom stuff is hard

2006-02-15T12:36:00.000-08:00

I'm still working on the rest of the birth story. I wish I had finished it sooner, since the already foggy details are growing foggier.

I'm really trying to not beat myself up over the fact that I feel like I'm a crappy mom. Breastfeeding is going really well - in that Harper is an awesome eater, knows to open her mouth wide for me. But I don't really like it. Sometimes she sucks really hard and it hurts, even though I'm pretty sure we have a good latch. And other times it hurts, not like pain per se, but more like someone is hitting a nerve. I play video games on my cell phone to take my mind off of it - and this makes me feel guilty.

I don't feel all bonded to my baby when I feed her, it's not like she looks at me, maybe the bonding through breastfeeding comes later? I still feel it's really important to breastfeed, and I like that her poo doesn't stink and I know she's getting the best food for her, but sometimes I would like it if someone else could feed her.

She is really, really cute and sweet, but it's hard to enjoy her when it's nighttime and I feel like I can't have her on my boob one more time. There have been a couple of nights where J has stayed up with her when she's fussing and I don't have anything left to give. She's three and a half weeks now and I read that the breastfeeging gets easier after the first few weeks.

I feel guilty that when she falls asleep on the breast and wants to keep sucking, I want to get up and do other things. She sleeps nice 3-4 hour chunks at night and when she wakes up at night she doesn't really cry (I don't know how I know she's awake - mother's intuition?), I change her and she eats and goes back to sleep, so I don't feel that tired. It gets hard during the day because she sleeps so much and I am pretty much stuck in the house. I bought a sling yesterday and that rocked. When my neighbor called to ask if I wanted to go for a walk with her and her baby, I popped Harper in her sling and she didn't wake up until the end of our walk.

I love her, but I don't feel that gooshy feeling I thought I would and it makes me feel like a horrible mom. J has such a great bond with her and doesn't mind pacing/bouncing her for hours when she has her night fusses (which really she doesn't have that often). He has really surprised me - even though he gets up at 5am for work, he stayed up with her Monday night until 2am and let me sleep. This morning I got up with her at 7 when he was leaving for work and he saw her and told her he was going to miss her today and wanted to hold her. He's like a different person - he doesn't complain about being too tired, he just puts her first and takes care of her. It makes me feel really good about our decision for me to go back to work and him to stay home.

Thank you Dooney!!!

2006-02-04T13:34:00.000-08:00

Harper loves her socks! Thank you!

Birth Story Part 1

2006-01-31T11:55:00.000-08:00

Friday, January 20th Harper was 11 days late, so we had an ultrasound to make sure everything still looked good with her. The tech found a level of only 2.5 amniotic fluid – anything under 5 is cause for concern. When the doctor came to check, she didn't find any and said it might be a dry sack and the concern was that without the fluid the baby can compress her umbilical cord. They also saw increased blood flow to her brain, which can be a sign that the baby is not thriving and her body is directing more blood flow to the vital organs.

The doctor called Heike our midwife and then I called her once we were back in the truck. She instructed us to buy 8 oz of castor oil and meet her at the birth center. We hadn't eaten anything yet, so we stopped and got a bite to eat and then went to the PCC to get the castor oil. We also bought some snacks and drinks – I bought a lot of water, the midwife said that by chugging fluid I could help bring some fluid back to the baby. She wanted me to have downed two liters by the time she met us at the birth center.

Once at the birth center, Heike broke my water and stripped my membranes again. She didn't think I was a 3 like the student had, more of a 2. Once she was done, though, I was at a 3. They monitored the baby with another non-stress test and everything still looked good. She sent us home with instructions to drink two doses of castor oil and to call her earlier than we normally would have because they wanted to do more monitoring of the baby.

Ever since the end of the ultrasound, I couldn’t stop was shaking. I was worried about the baby and sort of in shock that she was going to be with us soon after such a long wait. At home, J fried me eggs in two ounces of castor oil and I used bread to soak up the rest. After eating the first dose, I began to have some contractions. Two hours later, I took the second dose of castor oil – 4 ounces in vanilla ice cream and orange juice. It actually didn't taste too bad.

Soon after the second dose, I began having painful contractions that were one on top of the other and we couldn't figure out how to time them. They didn’t seem to have a pattern and they didn’t seem to build like they were supposed to. J finally called our midwife and she agreed to meet us at the birth center at 7:30pm.

When we got to the birth center, she checked me and I was still only 3 cm dilated. She manually got me to 4 and after awhile she said I could get in the tub. I got in the tub and had some strong contractions and a really long one, and then things seemed to stop. They had me get out of the tub and walk up and down the hall. I paced for awhile, having a contraction every time I got to the end of the hall. When they checked me again, I was still only 4cm. Heike used her hand to get me to five.

At this point, my labor seemed to stop. Heike seemed to get frustrated with me, since I was still able to talk through my contractions. She thought I was paying too much attention to these contractions that weren't active labor. She gave us four ounces of castor oil and sent us home. This was midnight or 12:30.

Pics and video

2006-01-31T01:12:00.000-08:00

We have entered the land of the cute

2006-01-26T20:00:00.000-08:00

Pics

2006-01-24T20:50:00.000-08:00

Since I don't know when little H will give me a chance to write the birth story, here are a few pics:

Introducing...

2006-01-23T18:30:00.000-08:00

Har*per Sa*ge was born Saturday, Jan. 21st at 10:53am. She has quite a birth story - not how we planned it, but we're super happy with how it turned out.

Stats: 7lbs, 1oz. 20 inches. Lots of hair. Good little nurser, but my nips are sore.

We just got home from the hospital today - we were able to have a vaginal birth, thanks to our GREAT midwife, vacuum delivery, and me pushing like there's no tomorrow.

What did I learn? You can have interventions and still have a satisfying birth. I was the first patient my midwife had transferred to the doc that delivered that wasn't a section. I'll write more details when I have more than one hand.

The baby, she must come NOW

2006-01-20T14:27:00.000-08:00

Ultrasound results: Very low amniotic fluid, 2.5 - anything lower than 5.0 and they start to worry. When the doctor double-checked, she didn't find any - she told us it's pretty much a dry sack. There was also increased blood flow to the brain, which shows that baby is compensating for something.

So after ultrasound, we went straight to birth center. She broke my water and I am now home, with a dose of castor oil in me. When she broke my water, no real fluid came out, but she thought there must have been some because she got vernix on her finger. Also, there was (thankfully) no meconium. I'm having painful contractions and she wants us to head to the birth center ealier than we normally would because she wants to do some more NST monitoring. J is at the store getting some food and last minute items. I take my second castor oil dose at 3:40.

I'm already exhausted and it put me through a loop to get the news today. Also, baby is measuring a little small for as far along as she is - the estimate is 7lbs, 6oz.

The belly at 41 weeks

2006-01-19T19:42:00.000-08:00

Here is the 41 week belly - taken with my cell phone...

(Can you see the sttttttrrrrrrrreeeeeetch marks?)

I have a plan...

2006-01-19T16:45:00.000-08:00

Just got back from the midwife. Baby's heartrate looked good, but I'm still nervous about the ultrasound tomorrow.

The student swept my membranes and I'm between 3 and 4 cm dilated and the baby has dropped lower.

So the plan is as follows:
ultrasound tomorrow at 9:30am.
Saturday morning - castor oil.
Sunday or Monday, breaking the water.

Looks like I may be having a baby this weekend!

41 +2

2006-01-18T13:59:00.000-08:00

Still feeling better emotionally today, having the midwife validate my feelings of wanting to be done really helped.

I've lost more of my mucus plug and have had some bloody show. Not really having contractions, I guess painless Braxton Hicks. I did have some contractions last night. It's super uncomfortable for me to walk around - what I thought was the baby hitting a nerve is what I now believe (based on the fact that it feels like what the midwife did to my cervix) is the baby's head hitting my cervix. This is painful, but it's what I want to happen. So I walk.

I'm trying to rest today, since labor could be tonight.

I'm still pissed that I've gone this far past my due date, mainly because my due date based on my period was Jan. 1st. They bumped it out 8 days at our 8 week ultrasound. "Oh good," I thought, "I won't go late because we've padded my dates with 8 days." Hardy har har. I know in the grand scheme of things it's not a big deal and I won't even care once she's here, but it doesn't help much right now. Friday at 9:30 we have an ultrasound to do a growth scan, check the fluid, and whatever else the biophysical profile entails. I would LOVE to cancel this appointment.

Tomorrow I'm sure the midwife will do some more tinkering with my cervix. J is going to get off work early so he can come to the appointment and we'll talk about more aggressive means of induction. Neither of us are really into waiting to Monday and then having her break my water then. We'd rather be more pro-active. I think tomorrow is going to be his last day of work. I want him at the Friday ultrasound and SOMETHING has to happen on Monday, the midwife will break my water if nothing else has started before then, so I told him to just plan on taking that day off.

Please keep sending speedy labor vibes, they're definitely needed.

Membranes stripped

2006-01-17T16:53:00.000-08:00

Just got back from my appointment. The non-stress test looked great - so great, in fact, that they wanted to know what I had eaten. They said babies don't generally react that well unless you've had a lot of sugar. T asked me if I had had a C*oke! The baby was moving all around and made some really great print outs.

Midwife H says that my emotional state is a good sign, it shows that my hormones are moving towards labor. I started crying during the appointment. I told her physically I'm fine, I could keep doing this for months, but emotionally I'm done. She said, "Ok, let's have a baby this week."

She did an internal exam. I'm 50% effaced and 1 to 1 1/2 cm dilated. Baby is at +2 station. She stripped my membranes while she was in there (can I say ow?) and when I got up, I think I lost a good portion of my mucous plug. She could feel the baby's head, her head is right on the cervix now - right where we want it to be.

The plan from here is that I go in again on Thursday and do another nst, and probably another internal. Friday, (if we're still pregnant) we go for an ultrasound to check the fluid levels and make sure baby still looks good. She said they could break my water on Monday - deadline for birth at the birth center is midnight Monday.

J wants to know if we'll try castor oil Friday or Saturday. I'm not sure, we'll have to discuss all of our options (as well as what we'll do if we end up having to transfer to a hospital) when we see them again.

Would you do this?

2006-01-17T12:01:00.000-08:00

Maybe I mentioned this before, but I'm not sure. My MIL keeps telling me that when she was 12 days overdue (12 days?!?!? - J was 8 days late, which is what I am now - this is his fault!) with J's brother it was her birthday. She ate a whole B*askin R*obbins ice cream cake and he was born the next day.

She has been saying for weeks now she's going to bring a cake over and make me eat the whole thing. Personally, it sounds really gross. Secondly, I think when you're 12 days overdue anything can "put" you into labor. I wish she would just drop it. I've told her numerous times I don't want to eat a whole cake - SIL is even emailing me from Spain that I should do it.

What do you think?

Baby cakes

2006-01-17T10:53:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I'm less grouchy today - mainly because I'm looking forward to my appointment at 3:00 today and making a plan, or at least having a better idea of where we go from here and what's going on with baby. Also, Chasmyn at The Purple Goddess and I were emailing about me going late. She delivered at the same birth center, but with different midwives. She said her midwife guaranteed her they wouldn't let her get to 42 weeks - and that made me feel better. I will get them to guarantee me the same thing (only six days to go), or at least find out what they want to do. I should have talked to my midwife more about it last week so I wouldn't have been such a worrier this week.

My work has been so cool to me - not only did my boss let me "work" from home for three days last week, but when I went in for my exit interview on Friday, they gave me seven extra paid days than I had accrued - and made my "official" last day Feb. 2nd so they'll pay my benefits for Feb. My company is a mid to small size company and the HR ladies are disgruntled that they don't have a maternity policy - and I don't fall under the FMLA since I haven't been there a year, so they gave me extra days. They were awesome and amazing that they did that - and it will totally cover the days J is taking off for baby.

I already got tons of clothes from my going away lunch we had, and then a package came in the mail yesterday and I opened it. It was this 3-tier Bab*yCake from my work totally cute.

They can't officially hold my job for me, but they have brought in a contractor for three months and he's a writer/developer, so they're hoping to move him to another department when I come back.

It's so nice to finally work with cool people who treat me well.

41 weeks - still pregnant

2006-01-16T11:06:00.000-08:00

What else to say?

Frustrated

2006-01-12T23:53:00.000-08:00

Please don't read this if you don't want to hear my irrational frustration at going over my due date.

Baby isn't here, nor is there really any sign that she will be anytime soon. I guess that's the part that's bumming me out the most. Well, that and EVERYONE else has already had their baby. I feel like a failure, like my body sucks, not opening up and letting her out. I worry that she's going to be huge.

She has 10 days until her eviction notice. (Where we can no longer deliver at the birth center and we would be looking at hospital and induction.) I got some stupid email to my wannababy account that had postpartum tips, saying I'm in week 1. Blech. I have a friend who KEEPS CALLING EVERY DAY to see if I've had baby yet. I don't answer her calls. Silly people, actually thinking I'm going to have a baby.

Now I'm pissed that my friend who's agreed to be at the delivery as our support person just sent me an email saying she's going to Oregon this weekend. What?!? She told me last month that if I hadn't had the baby she would cancel her trip. She's leaving Saturday afternoon, and I don't know when she's coming back - she has Monday off and not come back until then. Oh well, not much I can do.

This post is more negative than I would like because I don't have anyone I can complain to. J asked me if I can be patient when I started complaining tonight.

I just don't think she's EVER going to get here. I have talked to other women who went through the same thing when they went past their due dates, I know I'm in a pretty normal place. My leave from work officially starts on Monday and I'll burn through a week of leave I could be spending with baby if she doesn't get here by then.

Ugh - I hate myself right now. Not spotting, no mucus, no more diahrrea, no contractions today. No nothing. Waa, poor me.

Family matters

2006-01-12T00:12:00.000-08:00

I talked to J's mom tonight. She was able to get hold of her brother to tell him their dad died. He had been incommunicado for over a year. He did send a post card at Christmas, but there was no return address. I've never met uncle R, he's sort of the black sheep of the family. He was excited to learn he's about to become a great uncle.

Uncle R sounds like he doesn't want to go to Grandpa's funeral, but may fly out here to Sea*ttle for the memorial. We will plan the memorial for February, and J's dad wants to come as well - he can be at the memorial and meet baby at the same time.

It's odd that the death of their parents is happening so close - J's dad's mom just passed in Oct. and now J's mom's dad. They hadn't talked the 3 years since the divorce, and now they just spent the weekend as a family at Grandma's funeral in October, and now they are emailing each other about arrangements for Grandpa. I would love for the deaths to bring some healing to J's poor family. At least something good can come out of it.

40 week update

2006-01-12T00:00:00.000-08:00

Still pregnant. I "worked" from home today, and I will Thurs and Friday as well. I was going to make Tuesday my last day and use my PTO time, but my manager just told me to work from home. Sweet! I'm getting paid to stay home for three days - and I don't have to use my accrued time! Of course, I log in to my work computer and am available if they need anything, but I doubt they will. This means the time I have accrued can still be used to cover the 2 weeks J is taking off.

We had our 40 week appointment on Tuesday. Baby is possibly lower, but she's still cockeyed in there, not engaged like I want her to be. We made another appointment for Tuesday the 17th - just in case I'm still pregnant. Midwife thinks I will probably be. We're going to do the non-stress test, listening to the heartbeat for 1/2 hour. She said it's conservative to do it at 41 +1, but I said I thought it was good, since my original (based on period) date was Jan 9th and baby was measuring Jan 5th at the 20 week ultrasound.

I have no spotting, no mucus plunking out. I had diahrrea yesterday, but it seems to have gone away. I did have a major contraction today, but nothing else came after it. Will she EVER get here? I guess she'll be here in 11 days at the longest, which isn't THAT far. Why did my cousin and friend get to go before their due dates? Bah. J and I were supposed to get it on tonight to help with the labor, but he was exhausted. He said he would prefer to be able to sleep tonight anyway and not bring on labor if we can help it. We'll have to get it on tomorrow night, I guess.

The midwife I love is on call from now until Tuesday at noon. So if baby doesn't come by then, I'll have the other lady. At least I know and can plan on who I'll have.

I have actually enjoyed having these past few days after the due date: First off, her birthday gets farther from mine with every passing day. Secondly, we weren't really ready for her and it's given me time to rest and not work and do a few errands a day. I have a couple of things left to finish up before she can come - maybe I'm mentally holding her in there.

Could this be the start of something?

2006-01-09T15:06:00.000-08:00

I was up from 2am to 6:30am. Baby was freaking out, twisting, turning, poking me with knees, butt, back, and her head was moving from side to side down in my pelvis - that felt pretty weird. I had horrible cramps from what she was doing with her head - I thought maybe she was trying to get her head down in the birth canal more, so I stood up, did some squatting, tried to open up the area if she was needing to get down there.

Then, at about 7am I had a bucket next to me in bed because I was feeling nauseous. I haven't actually gotten sick, but my tummy is off and now I have diarrhea. Still having braxtony hicks stuff... no spotting or mucous plug stuff, but the midwife told me you don't need to see that before labor anyway.

What symptoms did you have before labor was underway?

I hope my stomach holds out for my birthday dinner tonight. We're going out with friends to a Japanese sushi buffet chain at 7pm. It's sort of pricey, but it's free if you go right on your birthday. Of course, I'll be avoiding the raw stuff, but they have a huge selection.

Death and birth

2006-01-09T03:12:00.000-08:00

Wow - we just had a busy weekend. J performed on Friday night (and it was way cool - besides numerous friends coming, one of our midwives and a student midwife came). When we got home, we stayed up talking until 2am and he didn't come to bed until 4am.

At 6am his mom called and said that his grandpa was dying and we could go if we wanted. We had been told on Thursday that the people in charge of his care had decided to stop giving him antibiotics for his chronic bladder infections (because he had a catheter) and let him die. His care was handled by a third party, since J's aunt and mom couldn't agree on how to care for him and his aunt took his mom to court (yes - totally screwed up family). They started giving him morphine and I'm wondering if they od'ed him on morphine since his death happened so fast.

We didn't go to his deathbed - J was too tired. His mom, sister, brother, and aunt were there with him as he died. His mom played him a German lullaby on the piano in his room and as his breath started to slow, she slowed down the song. I'm glad that he went so quickly after they decided to stop treatment, but I still have serious misgivings about the way they let him die. Is it just a coincidence that the third party finally spent all of his money in Nov?

Later that day, we went out to dinner with J's mom, sis, and brother to celebrate my birthday, his sister's b-day, and his sister leaving for Spain. It was odd celebrating our birthdays after his grandpa's death - his mom kept apologizing that she hadn't gotten me a real present yet. Um - hello, it's ok, your dad just died!

Yesterday, J went to his Sunday meeting he attends and I met a friend for cinnamon rolls while he was there. Then we came home and three friends came over and hung out all day.

Today is my birthday - I've never had a birthday that I've cared about less. Since it's my due date and I haven't had the baby yet, I'm dreading the next two weeks of possibly STILL being pregnant - and my last week of work. I just want to be done working and if I don't have the baby this week, I have to work the whole week.

It's so weird to be pregnant and have J lose another grandparent - this was his last grandparent and he won't get to meet baby. As J's mom becomes the oldest generation, she also becomes a grandmother. It's really intense.

And I feel so bad that J's sister leaves for Spain today at 6pm and she won't get to meet baby until May. She kissed my belly when we said goodbye.

The third party arranged grandpa's funeral over the summer - before they spent the last of his money. It's going to be in Ohio - the minister has already been paid, and the plot bought. This means that J and I can't go - and his mom doesn't want to go. She wants to be here when baby is born, and I think she's upset that the plans for his funeral were made the way they were. The plan is to have a family memorial for him here after the baby is born.

Week 39 update

2006-01-06T01:23:00.000-08:00

We had our week 39 midwife appointment today. It was with the midwife I don't feel as close to. Since it was moved from 6pm to 4pm, J was late getting there - and it only lasted 15min, so he was walking in as I was walking out.

They have covered everything with us that they need to and I didn't have any questions for them. Measuring 38 1/2 cm. Blood pressure is perfect. They had a hard time feeling the baby because my uterus was contracting so hard. When I told H I haven't had any spotting or mucousy stuff she said we don't need to until labor, so it doesn't mean anything.

T, the midwife we love, popped her head in to say hi. She said they're all planning on coming to J's performance tomorrow (today, since it's 1:30 am) - so if I do go into labor, I'll have two midwives and a student present - ha ha - well, H will be on call anyway. ;)

H said we can dance the baby out. We have one more appointment on Tuesday, the day after the due date, and then we start talking post date stuff. I told T that since Monday is my b-day and due date I would like her to come on Tuesday. Heh.

Actually, I'm starting to feel like she's coming sooner than later - I could even see it happen tomorrow. Must hold out until after J's performance, then she can come whenever she wants to - even on MY birthday.

I had a really strong, painful contraction today. I was reaching to turn off my alarm clock and my whole ute seized up. It only lasted a second or two though - it wasn't totally PAINFUL like pain, as much as wow, that was powerful. I didn't feel anymore like that, although the top of my uterus is still very tight tonight. I'm feeling excited and ready for labor - and feeling much better since I have a new policy of not talking to anyone on the phone so I don't have to keep answering the, "Have you had the baby yet" question.

FYI - it's totally annoying to email or call a pregnant person to find out if they've had the baby yet.

Mining and refining

2006-01-06T00:13:00.000-08:00

Listening to the radio and reading on the news about the miners and their families, I can relate to some extent.

My dad works at an oil refinery in Anaco*rtes, WA. In 1998, the day before Thanksgiving, there was an explosion on his unit, killing 6 people, including his boss. My dad was working nights at the time, and the guy who did his job during the day died. Everyone I knew in town was touched by the loss in some way - the neighbor across the street had just had coffee with one of the men that morning, my best friend's husband's (who also works there) cousin was one of the men that died and he left a wife and two small children.

My mom was picking me up to come home for Thanksgiving and my dad had been asleep when she left. I heard about the explosion on the radio. We didn't know if my dad had gone in to work early to help bring the unit back up and he wasn't home when we got back to town - he had already gone to work - although I don't know what you do when your unit has exploded... I think he walked around talking to people all night, in shock. It was awhile before he called us to let us know he was ok.

It was his last day of work before two weeks of vacation. My dad has worked there for over 20 years and doesn't have much other experience. It's a good paying job, especially for people in that area. I can totally relate to the miners and their families who know their family members get up everyday to do a dangerous job because they have to make a living wage.

My dad was different after the explosion - who wouldn't be? To go to 6 funerals in one week, and to be faced with the reality of how dangerous your job is and that it could just as easily have been him. I really feel for the miners (and their families) who have to go back down into the shaft after this, not having a choice, needing the money.

I knew my macho dad was shook up when he took me to the counseling sessions at the plant. When an accident like this happens, people from other plants in the area come in to talk to the families and employees. We passed the news crews (not one person from the plant spoke to the news the whole time they were camped out there - it was amazing how many incorrect things the news reported, made me question the news more) on our way to the counseling session.

Since my dad had two weeks off work, I had more time to worry about him going back - horrible anxiety. I told him I couldn't deal with him feeling like he had no choice but to go back there. Seven years later, he's still there. He's currently in management, which doesn't mean that an explosion or fire or gassing can't effect him still.

This explosion could have been prevented - the men knew they were doing something dangerous, they had their hazard suits on and the supervisor would not normally have been out there. Since in the past they had used water to cool the coker and they got coke and water all over, they decided to let it sit and cool. Well, when touching the outside of the drums it felt cool because it had formed a shell around the super hot coke inside. When they popped the lid, it blew.

The sad part is that the guy who knew all about the unit had been moved to another unit (plant politics) and they didn't consult him before doing this - and they had a couple of days to think about what they were doing.

I can't imagine what those families must have gone through to - to wait to hear news, and then to hear that they're alive, and then to find that they are actually dead. My thoughts and prayers are with them.

The stay at home dad

2006-01-05T14:04:00.000-08:00

Reading Dooney's blog got me really thinking about the SAHM thing. I feel terribly guilty (already!) about going back to work after 12 weeks, even though dh will be staying home with baby girl when I go back.

The main thing I worry about is breastfeeding. I don't want my work schedule to interfere with it - I want to breastfeed at least a year, if not longer. (I am fully prepared for problems that come up with feeding and plan to contact as many friends who have bf and consultants as I have to to figure it out.)

For us, me going back to work and dh staying home makes sense. Since he's a musician, he can continue to play gigs in the evenings when I'm home. This will give him a life outside of SAHD. His other job as a carpenter has no benefits, since he's self-employed, so if I stay home, we'd have to pay my health insurance, and he gets no paid time off if he's sick. He could end up making a lot of money per hour if he kept at it, but it's a chaotic environment.

If we want to be able to get out of debt and buy a house, we have talked about him working 2 days a week if the company he's at will let him. If I go back to work in April and he waits until May or June to start working the two days, his sister and mom may be able to do the childcare, since his sister is a college student and his mom is a teacher. (As an aside, I wish the cost of housing wasn't so out of control here.) I can also try to screw around with my work schedule since I have flex time - his day starts at 7am so if I didn't go in to work until 10am that could be helpful.

I know there will be things I will miss with baby - but I don't see myself not working. I grew up with a mom who was a SAHM but never had a life of her own and she was there, but there was no one there, if you know what I mean... I'm still not very close to her - it was more that she wanted to stay home with us because she had nothing else to do. I worked really hard to get where I am in my career and it's important to me to be a good role model, especially for a girl.

Why is everything about the stay at home mom though and I feel defensive to my neighbors and parents who act all weird when we tell them J will be staying home? He can be just as good of a caregiver (if not better - he's much more patient than I) as I can, except for the breastfeeding thing, right? Or am I just trying to convince myself that it's ok to go back to work? I'm so tired of people asking me if I'm going to stay home with baby - it must be 10x worse for people who don't have the option of one parent staying home.

I don't feel like I'm making sense here. I'm distracted by the thought of my midwife appt. in two hours. Will she check to see that I'm dilated? I'm so irritable and tired of being pregnant. I've already started to get the phone calls and emails, "Still pregnant?" So - if you call, I will most likely let the machine get it because I could be pregnant another 18 days even though my due date is Monday (which is also my 31st birthday).

Week 38 Update

2005-12-30T10:50:00.000-08:00

Last night we had our m/w appt. Boy, I sure hope this is the m/w we deliver with - I really feel a connection to her. She's awesome - she's even talking about coming to see J play next Friday.

Baby hasn't dropped yet - she's still head down, but her head isn't engaged, it's sitting down there sort of cockeyed. T said she doesn't care what position she's in, as long as she stays head down. She told us what happens if we go late - Jan. 23rd (42 weeks) is the cut off date to be able to deliver at the birth center. At 41 1/2 weeks they start trying to do things to push you into labor - castor oil and whatever other tricks they have up their sleeve- and you go see them every other day. She said they are usually able to get your body to go into labor at that point. They would start doing the - I think it's called - non-stress tests and a possible ultrasound to make sure things are still looking good. I really hope I don't find out. Must do lots of walking and s*x this weekend.

She told us something interesting about the ute that I didn't know - your ute contracts involuntarily all your life, no matter if you're nine or ninty. You just feel it when it's SO BIG. B-H contractions are random ctx in different parts of the ute. When you go into labor, your ute has a pacemaker that coordinates all the ctx to happen at the same time. That's why they suddenly feel stronger and more serious when it's "real" labor.

I got her to estimate how big baby is - I told her J said I can't have anymore ice cream because he's worried about the baby getting too big. She said I just can't have ice cream every day. She doesn't think the baby is too big - she estimates baby is 6 1/2 lbs right now. So if we do go a few more weeks, baby can be about 8lbs.

I'm going to add another ticker to the top of my blog counting down the days to the real cut off to labor - 24 days. If the due date comes and goes, I don't want to be too bummed.

Stop saying that

2005-12-28T11:23:00.000-08:00

The past couple of times I have talked to my grandma - ever since my cousin had her baby on the 11th that was due on the 15th - she says, "Oh, I hope your baby comes early."

Then, I have our friend who's visiting from Europe who will only be here until the 12th and my SIL who leaves for Spain for a semester on the 9th. I have these 3 people pushing for the baby to come early - oh, and my other friend whose wife had a baby on the 10th - ten days before her due date. He said, "Yeah, have it come early. Smaller babies are better."

Can I please just say, for the record, I don't have a choice!!! She will come when she comes.

Almost ready

2005-12-27T14:34:00.000-08:00

We still have all the baby stuff from our shower in the living room with nowhere to put it, but we're getting closer.
J and I braved the insanity that was I*KEA yesterday to get the dresser/changing table I wanted. We got the shelf that goes on top of it too.
http://www.ikea.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?topcategoryId=15567&catalogId=10103&storeId=12&productId=12830&langId=-1&parentCats=15567*16113*16261

Dang - I didn't realize that dresser/changing table had so many pieces - he's going to have fun putting that thing together!

He took a few trips to our storage unit yesterday and now we have a space to put the changing table in the music room, as well as the whole closet available for baby stuff.

I called and set up our first month's diaper service our friends got us for our shower. They deliver the diapers on Thursday.
The mini co-sleeper is next to our bed. We have the car seat, but need to install it. I am in LOVE with these diapers: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B0000649E1/qid=1135723276/sr=8-1/ref=pd_bbs_1/002-7046546-2464810?v=glance&s=baby&n=507846 - we got a five pack at our shower and they are so cute and soft. I found them quite a bit cheaper somewhere else. I guess this means I'm going to be mainly cloth diapering. But! No pins! No extra covers!

I don't understand how people can get cutsie little diaper bags - will your husband carry it? Or does he get his own? - I wanted something J will be comfortable carrying. We decided on this one:
http://www.target.com/gp/detail.html/sr=1-5/qid=1135722665/ref=sr_1_5/602-2702829-6844616?%5Fencoding=UTF8&asin=B00024L6GQ

I took a walk today, hoping to get my body thinking about labor. I don't want to go into labor the 28th-3rd, since my friend who's going to be at the birth will be in Hong Kong that week. I also don't want to labor on the 6th, since J is performing a show that night, so if we do go into labor, it should be after 10pm. Not that I have much of a choice.

I'm a grinch

2005-12-23T09:46:00.000-08:00

The plan for Christmas was that my parents and brother would come to our apartment. To keep it easy, I was going to have them bring a pizza. We had talked about going to a movie too. Then, my parents were going to stay at a hotel and my brother (he's 19) was going to spend the night. This would mean that my parents would be by early on Christmas morning to pick up my brother, and we would probably go out to breakfast. Then, they would leave and J and I would head over to his mom's to do Christmas with them.

Looking at our apartment last night, I knew I couldn't do it. I was having more cramps/contractions and took a nap when I got home from work. (I notice that I'm having braxton hicks off and on pretty much all night too - when I wake up to go to the bathroom my ute is rock solid.)
I just don't have the energy to get home from work today and clean everything or get up tomorrow morning and cram it all in - especially with all the baby stuff everywhere that we don't even have a place for yet. I started crying last night and told J I can't do it.

He had me call my parents and ask them if we could just go out to dinner, instead of having them over. I talked to my dad and he passed me off to my mom. She tried to talk me into doing dinner and then a movie, but I'm just too worn out. So my parents, being my parents, don't like to change plans for other people. At this point, they are either going to stay at their house, or we still may go out to dinner.

So J may spend our last Christmas Eve as just the two of us by ourselves at home - no tree, no decorations. Maybe we'll have to at least go out to dinner. Have I mentioned how tired I am? I'm trying to take care of myself, but not having the energy is really bumming me out.

Scheduled C-section question

2005-12-22T12:23:00.000-08:00

I have a question: I know our national c-section rate is now 29% - it's actually one of the reasons I have chosen to give birth at a birth center with as few interventions as possible, because I think unnecessary interventions contribute to that rate.

I just popped over to the i*vill*age boards for the Jan. 2006 expecting club. My whole pregnancy, this is only the second time I have been over there. I was shocked by the number of women who have their tickers set to their scheduled c-section date. Why are all of these c-sections scheduled? I definitely understand the need for emergency and high-risk c-sections, but there seemed like a huge amount of scheduled c's there.

I know it's an individual choice, I just am confused as to why people would schedule a c-section, at the very least, why not wait until labor starts and then do the section? That way, you know the baby is ready...

Feather my nest

2005-12-22T09:51:00.000-08:00

I think I sort of lost it on my husband last night. We still have all the gifts from the shower piled in the living room, and the second bedroom was full of stuff. It's a MESS - so much so that when my mom was over last weekend, we didn't even try to tidy, just kept the door shut the whole weekend.

He keeps telling me to calm down, we have time, we'll get everything done. I ask - When??? When??? This weekend is Christmas, my family is coming over on Sat, then we do his mom's on Sunday. The next weekend is New Year's - AND he's going to be out of town on the 30th with his friends. The following weekend is right before our due date.

So I did what I knew would get through to him - I cried and told him that the baby could come any time and I can't be ready mentally if the space isn't ready and everything isn't cleaned and put away. He reacted - he went to the bedroom and started loading stuff into the truck to take to our storage unit. We still need to get the changing table and a few other things, but I'm starting to feel better. I have Monday off and I plan on using that day to wash baby clothes and sort through them.

I have decided she can come on Jan. 6th... well, really she can come anytime after the 3rd. :) - wait - that's only 12 days away!!!

THIS is why I don't like her

2005-12-21T14:51:00.000-08:00

So I mentioned weeks ago in a previous post about my neighbor downstairs with a two year old who came up to me 14 weeks ago and told me she was five weeks pregnant.

I have heard her and her husband yelling at each other in the past. I have even heard him yell, "Shut your f*in mouth! You're a lieing sack of sh*t!"

Last night, I was sitting in the living room with J and we heard a door slam and her screaming. We both jumped, but didn't say anything, just looked at each other.

Today, I happened to run into her at the baby consignment store in town. She was telling me she's been an emotional mess and her two year old has been testing her. She said last night her husband went out to play poker with his friends and the two year old woke up when he left. He was so upset to not get to go with daddy that he threw up in his bed. She told me she lost it - I wanted to say, "I know, I heard you." I can't believe she screams at her child like that. I always thought the yelling I've heard from her is at her husband. I have heard her husband yelling at the two year old.

When I heard her yelling yesterday, it made me cringe and hold myself, I can't imagine how it was for the little boy who was already upset. Ugh. Well, I sort of can because I grew up in fear of my dad freaking out at me. Not how I want my child to grow up.

The other thing I didn't like was how she talked about him to me with him standing right there. I wanted to say, "Um - he can hear you talking about him driving you nuts."

37 weeks?

2005-12-19T10:09:00.000-08:00

According to my calculations, I'm 37 weeks today, but on our midwives' wheel, it's 37 weeks tomorrow. This is significant, since I can't deliver at the birth center until 37 weeks and I started having contractions Friday after work.

Poor J was loading up the truck for a show he was playing and I came home and told him I thought I was having contractions. Maybe it's braxton hicks stuff, but I was having tightening of my uterus at the top - the new thing was the crampy feeling, like menstrual cramps. I never timed them, I couldn't tell enough of what was going on to figure out what to time.

I went to see him perform and I was sitting with my MIL when he came over on his break. MIL had been feeling my uterus contract and told him I was having some "interesting" stuff going on. You should have seen his face. I told him, "Oh don't worry honey, we're in labor." I shouldn't joke like that, but I thought it was funny at the time - poor guy had to go back on stage.

I was a little freaked out she was going to want to come last night and they would send us to the hospital since we weren't 37 weeks yet (although at the last ultrasound she was on track to be 37 weeks already). I went to bed because I started having fairly bad cramps (menstrualish - I get pretty bad menstrual cramps) and was uncomfortable. I didn't have enough water to drink yesterday, so I downed a lot and took a warm bath, trying to make them go away. I'm not having any spotting, though, I'm assuming that all this is just "pre-labor" stuff.

I have a midwife appt. tomorrow. I'm throwing around the idea of having her check me so we have an idea of what is going on... but they don't usually check you before you show up actually in labor - and I've enjoyed the fact that they have yet to have looked at my who-ha. I haven't had to undress for them yet, and that's nice.

13 1/2 hours to 37 weeks...

Baby Shower

2005-12-16T13:20:00.000-08:00

We had our baby shower yesterday. Wow - I was really tired afterwards. Maybe my SIL will get me some pics I can upload. It was so fun. DH and I opened presents together, the sun was out over the lake and the windows faced the gorgeous view.

I think my favorite part was seeing J open presents and have a fun time with it. At one point, he put a little hat on his head and someone took his pic. At the end, we both collapsed on a couch and didn't get up for awhile.

We got the car seat this weekend, as well as the co-sleeper. Our friends bought us a month's diaper service. I haven't even had a chance to look at what we got yet, it's all in bags and we don't have the space yet to sort things and put things away. We're much closer to being ready for her, though. My MIL did a great job putting the shower on - even if she did write a song to be sung to the tune of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" and make everyone sing - at least she didn't say they were to sing it to my belly like she was thinking about doing...

Just found this

2005-12-16T12:33:00.000-08:00

I went to Type*pad to see if they had posted anything about a problem. I found this blog: http://tahilla.typepad.com/mrsawatch/

I will add it to my favorites and check it out, since my brother is a "MR*SA sufferer."

Didn't see that TP is saying they're having any problems, though.

What in the hell?

2005-12-16T12:30:00.000-08:00

What's wrong with Type*pad today? All of the TP blogs are missing their latest posts. I KNOW I read newer posts than what's up there!
What am I supposed to do - work?!?

Denial

2005-12-15T10:59:00.000-08:00

I'm starting to realize how in denial I am with this whole baby thing. I was talking to my MIL last night and she said the baby can come on Monday - I'll be 37 weeks. I'm just not ready. (She keeps pushing for the baby to come early because my SIL is leaving on the 9th to go to school in Spain for a semester. I'm sort of tired of her pushing, baby will come when she comes.)

Just the fact that I will be considered full term on Monday and it would be ok for her to come freaks me out. Maybe I'll feel differently after Sunday when we have our family/friends shower. I haven't made space for baby stuff or washed her clothes, they're all in boxes and bags in our closet - and I don't know when I'll have time to do this.

It's just that this thing moving around inside of me doesn't seem completely related to the pics I have seen of all the new babies that have been born to my friends and family this week. I was lying in bed, picturing having her in her co-sleeper next to me, taking her in the other room while J sleeps, kissing her, holding her, I can see all that. I just can't picture how this wiggly thing in me is going to be her. I mean is her. See - confusing. It must be different once you've had a baby - this seems so abstract right now.

Maybe if I was huge and uncomfortable it would be different - but I'm not - on Monday at work, one co-worker was telling the other I'm having a baby. She asked when. I said a month and she said, "But you're so tiny." I KNOW, I KNOW - I'm tired of hearing about it.
*My cousin had her baby on Sunday the 11th. She was due today.
*My friend we had the co-shower with in October had her baby on the 10th. She was due on the 20th.

I had so completely convinced myself baby is going to come late that I'm in disbelief that she could be here in three weeks or less. These people having their babies before their due dates is just too scary. I even set my last day of work for the 13th, even though I'm due on the 9th. (My boss doesn't have a problem with me going earlier, they'll do without me until the temp comes in on the 16th.)

And cuteness...
Last night, J was practicing for his show tomorrow night. He came into the living room and asked me to come sit in the bedroom while he played so he could play to baby. I was crocheting the blanket I'm making for her while he played. It was very sweet. After a song, he would ask if she was kicking.

year in review - a meme

2005-12-13T14:45:00.000-08:00

Saw this over at Chasmyn's blog at http://www.purplegoddessinfrogpyjamas.net/.
Find the first entry for each month of 2005. Post the first line of it in your journal, and that’s your “Year In Review.”
Here’s mine:
January - I am finally starting my own blog, after reading others' for months.

February - TCBTM!!!! - This could be the month!!!Yes, all I think about is my menstrual cycle and getting pregnant.

March - J.D.-Thank you for a great 3 years of marriage (and 9 1/2 years of togetherness).

April - So, I have tons of stress now that I don't have a job. I also have a sinus infection/allergies and feel like crap.

May - Ha ha, I'm so funny - baby steps - get it? Ack, I'm tired.

June - Here I am, 9weeks, 3 days - or 8 weeks, 2 days based on the u/s measurements. I started a new job today.

July - DH finally got around to telling most of his friends last night we're pregnant again.

August - I just made the appointment for my 20 week ultrasound - August 22nd at 4:00 :)

September - One year ago today, September 3rd, was the Friday before Labor Day weekend.

October - I haven't been feeling very "up" lately. I have worries and I can't seem to shake this down in the dumps feeling.

November - This Friday, Nov. 4th will be 10 years that J and I have been together. I can't believe it's been that long.

December - J and I have a few names we've been kicking around for BeeGee (Baby Girl).

For freaks like me

2005-12-13T11:30:00.000-08:00

If you're a freak like me and need a larger size nursing bra, here's a company you can order from:
http://birthandbaby.com/
They only charge $1.00 for shipping and pay for the shipping return. They were in the town next to mine, but have since moved to Eastern Washington, so I ordered two in different sizes since I can't try them on. This way, I have some time to figure out what will fit me before baby is here.

This breaks my heart

2005-12-13T11:15:00.000-08:00

My honey came home from work yesterday upset. He said that a guy who works for the other construction company onsite came up to him and said, "Hey J, where are you from?"J said, "Seattle."
The a-hole laughed and said, "Yeah - right - Middle Eastern Seattle." J said, "I'm mixed."
"Yeah - all mixed up." And he walked away.

I guess another guy, someone J works closely with, came up to him on Monday or sometime last week and said, "Oh, I hope I didn't offend you with that Arab joke." J said, "I'm mixed, black, white, Native American."

But what if he was Middle Eastern? Why do people think this is ok? J said that with the war going on and since 9/11 people are freaky about people they think are Arabic, and construction sites are not known for being PC.

He thought of all the replies he could have given the other guy, but he knows it will only cause him more trouble. He spent the rest of the day feeling like people were talking about him, trying to figure out what ethnicity he is. If they want to know, why don't they ask in a better way?

I think I've said before that if not for his name, people usually guess that he's Hispanic. I know if his name wasn't Ja*mal it would be easier for him - at his last job he went by J.D., but at this job he's family friends with one of the owners and they've known him by his name for a long time so it would have seemed weird to go by something else. It pisses me off that he had to go by J.D. at the other company because people were uncomfortable with his name - he got tired of the comments and said, "Just call me J.D."

I told him it's hard for me to relate, but I remember how it felt when we were in Virginia together and an old lady his grandma introduced us to said to her friend as we walked away, "They're an interracial couple. There's more of that happening all the time." I told him I felt icky and like I just wanted to go home to Seattle and suddenly became very self-conscious when we went out in public together there. What was weird for me was that I could go out by myself and be treated completely different.

He said he was having a really hard time not being resentful and pissed off. I told him I was worried about our daughter, what will she look like? Will she have to deal with stupid people? (Don't we all?)
He said even if she's light skinned, he'll get comments when he's out with her, people will ask him if it's his kid. Imaging the comments if we have a little blond, blue eyed girl. He had just gotten done reading this article http://lifestyle.msn.com/FamilyandParenting/RaisingKids/Article.aspx?cp-documentid=133134&GT1=7461 where a man gets funny looks just for being out with his kids during the work day - J was thinking of when I go back to work and he's going to be home with baby girl during the day.

I know our daughter will be ok, no matter what she looks like. I know J's been through this before and he'll be ok, but he shouldn't have to put up with it. I wish I could make it better for him, but there's nothing I can do.

I'm a super freak

2005-12-12T11:04:00.000-08:00

I went shopping for a nursing bra last week. The woman didn't want to fit me at first until the baby is here and my milk comes in, but I have been wearing the same bra my whole pregnancy and it's getting a little uncomfortable, so she handed me a few suggestions. I ended up buying a 40G, thinking it would be more comfortable. I wore it for a few hours and realized it was too small. I showed my husband that night and he said it was too small alerady so I should take it back. So I did.

Saturday, I was at a party and there was another pg woman and everyone was talking about babies and pregnancy. I talked about the nursing bra thing (two of the women got very large in the chest during bf and understood my pain). One of them said I should go get fitted at Nord*strom's. Since that's where I got the (one and only) bra I have now, I thought that sounded like a good idea.

I went to get fitted yesterday. She measured me around and said I'm measuring at a 38. She gave me a G and an H to try. I tried on the 38H - it was too small. H is as big as they go. She thinks I'm probably a 38J. A freaking J!!! There may be one place around here that carries up through a "K." I found a couple 38Js online, but they don't have a wire and I really need an underwire.

I feel so freakish - and I hope they don't get too much bigger when my milk comes in. I hope I lose at least a cup size when I'm done breastfeeding. This totally bummed me out. I don't LOOK that big - I mean, I look big but I don't think I look freakish.

At least they're not moving in next door to me

2005-12-07T11:07:00.000-08:00

My MIL has a house next door to hers that she rents out. J and I lived there for a year four years ago. It ended badly. I don't recommend moving in next door to your MIL - especially one with boundary issues.

I just found out on Thanksgiving that BIL and his obnoxious girlfriend are moving into it Feb. 1st. How they can affored the $1200 a month rent, I don't know, unless MIL isn't charging them that much.

I was really upset when I first heard this. Like I said, I don't like OG (Obnoxious Girlfriend). When I was pg last time and we told them, the first thing she said was, "We're going to babysit all the time." Um - no you're not. I don't like you.

This means that whenever I go to MIL's, they'll be right next door. I can only handle them in small doses and even that is too much sometimes. J's sister found out on Thanksgiving too and she didn't seem very excited either.

When I complained to my friend she said, "At least they're not moving in right next door to you." This is true. I have to remember that it could be worse.

Whoo Hoo! I just scored!

2005-12-02T20:17:00.000-08:00

My parents just called. It seems that they bought my brother and SIL a generator for Christmas/Birthday when they went to visit them in Wyoming in June. I was only expecting a check for $20 for Christmas, but since they bought them the generator, my dad asked if we want a crib. I told them the crib I want (co-sleeper) attaches to the bed. He asked how much it was. I told him $120 (for the mini) and he said he'd send me a check for $145!

Then, my MIL called. I told her my parents were buying the co-sleeper and she said, "Now baby can come home." I said, "Well, we still need a car seat." She asked how much it was ($150- I know - really pricy - it was the only one small enough to fit in our truck) and said that since FIL had just paid her what he owed her (alimony? child support/college tuition for SIL?) she would buy the car seat!!! Yippie - two of the most expensive items we need has been taken care of.

Well, as long as J doesn't freak out about his mom spending money on us... but a car seat - that's a pretty good thing to buy, we'll use it all the time.

34 week appointment update

2005-12-02T13:40:00.000-08:00

We had our midwife appointment yesterday. It was pretty fun because a couple from our birth class was there at the same time and it was their due date. How exciting for them!
I talked to H about the pubic bone/other odd pain sort of down there I've been having. They felt the baby's position and she's sitting right on my pubic bone. H said the pain is baby's bony head grinding on my muscles and tissues in that area - ouch! Trying to focus on being thankful her head is down, though. Oh - and I have a low pubic bone. Hmm. I didn't know everyone's isn't as low as mine is.

I'm measuring right on - 34 1/2 weeks and 34 1/2 cm. Everything looks good. I'm going to start walking, even though it's uncomfortable. I'm so achy between the pubic bone area pain and the round ligament pain, but I know my body will thank me when it's in labor. I have to move slowly, quick moves make my body hurt. I'm not even that big - so I don't feel off balance or anything - but I FEEL big because I have to be careful how I move.

J and I are still trying to decide on what doula to have for the labor. H gave me the name of someone who is free. I also have a friend who's been a doula in the past - I don't know her that well, but she could be a possibility. I have a nurse friend too who has said that she would do it, but she's going to Hong Kong for a week the last week of Dec. and that might stress me out that she's going to be gone. However, she is my best friend in the world and would be very supportive...

Next appointment - Dec. 15th (my dad's b-day). Wow - after that we start going every week!

Let's play the Name Game

2005-12-01T13:44:00.000-08:00

J and I have a few names we've been kicking around for BeeGee (Baby Girl). On Thanksgiving, I gave in and told his family the name I've been thinking of. I thought everyone would hate it, but they were way into it. The name is...
Drumroll...
Har*per.

I know it's not that feminine of a name, and it's not even my very favorite name in the whole wide world, but there's something about it that I really like and I immediately started thinking she was a Har*per once I found the name.

J doesn't know if he's that into the name, he worries that if people don't like her or she gets on their nerves, they can say her name in a negative way, "Harrrrrrr Perrrrrrr" or "Stop harping at me" or something like that.

My problem is I agree with him, but already think of her as little Har*per. Our last name starts with H and has 2 syllables - last syllable ending in "son." So there's alliteration there too.
The middle name we are thinking of is Sa*ge. J wanted it for a first name, but it's got two strikes against it - he heard the name at my granddad's wedding - it's my step-grandma's granddaughter's name. So not really a relative, but my granddad would then have two S*ages as granddaughters. Also, I went to school with a S*age and I can't get past that. But I think it's a great middle name. And J can call her Har*per S*age.

Her name would look something like this:
Har*per S*age H**son
I'm opening myself up here, but it's not her name yet - so - what do you think?

Happy Birthday!

2005-11-30T10:25:00.000-08:00

It was my honey's 31st birthday yesterday. We celebrated his birthday over the weekend with his family, but I wanted him to feel special yesterday so I got him balloons and a couple of presents, went hom at lunch, and put them around the house to surprise him when he got home from work.

Also - here's a question for you. J is getting ready to tell his boss how much time he wants to take off when the baby is born. He's thinking he wants to take two weeks. He asked me how much time people typically take. I said with men I think it's whatever they can get, it's not really set. How much time did/will your partner take off?

Thank you so much!

2005-11-23T10:18:00.000-08:00

Thank you for the input.

I probably should have listed what we have been given. See, though I said we haven't bought anything, we've been given tons of stuff. We have been given a swing (used), bouncy seat (that vibrating seat thing - used), crib (that I want dh to put together to see if it's safe/all the pieces are there, and the mattress fits right if not, we'll get rid of it), baby monitor (used), and what sounds like the same little red/black/white gym Day has (new), baby tub (new) - and TONS of clothes.

I have registered for boppy, but haven't decided on a Baby Bjorn yet - dh and I have such a height difference, I'm not sure it will work for both of us. I have also thought about a sling, and our birth center has a "sling library" where you can borrow them, so I might also go that way.

I don't know what's with me lately, I can't sleep at night. Last night, I went to sleep at 7:30, woke up at 11:00 when dh came to bed, and couldn't fall back to sleep until 5:30, when he gets up for work - I slep in until 9am, trying to piece together some hours.

J's got ANOTHER sinus infection, which makes his snoring worse. At 3:30, I decided to try to sleep on the couch. One of my neighbors (I'm thinking it was the guy upstairs) was watching a p*orno and I could hear "oooooooooohhhhhh" "uuuuuuhhhhh" and the bam chicka bam bam music. That was worse than the snoring - I just can't win.

I think part of it is some sick voice in my head has decided I have to have everything ready for baby and I have to have it ready RIGHT NOW. Fortunately, J is putting up with me and being very understanding. He's agreeing to help me with my psycho urge to get stuff done.

Week 33 ramble

2005-11-21T23:44:00.000-08:00

Sleep - sucks. If I don't have trouble falling asleep, I wake up in the hours between 2 and 6.(sometimes even if I do - it's a quarter to midnight and I'm still up) DH snores too, so I spend my time pushing him to lie on his side. My midwife said I'm in "baby boot camp" and my body is preparing to be up with baby.

My back has started to hurt lately. Other than that, things are good. I am so glad I have the job I do. I've been busy, but it's not too stressful and my boss is pretty chill.

I've been getting a lot of stuff done lately from my list of things to do before baby. Meeting with a ped tomorrow.

We will not be having a "nursery" per se, so I don't have decorating to do. However, we will be putting some of dh's tools in storage and organizing the second bedroom for the changing table, clothes, and other baby stuff - it will still be his music room though. She will be sleeping in a co-sleeper next to our bed for as long as possible.

I haven't bought ANY baby stuff - except the bibs I bought when I was about 6 weeks along just to say I bought something. We're having a BIG shower Dec. 18th and MIL is inviting tons of people, (I think the list is up around 50 - we're inviting whole families and there are a lot of people excited about this baby that want to come) so I'm trying to put off buying anything until after that. Of course, I'll be 37 weeks the day after, so hopefully we'll have time to buy the important stuff that we don't get at the shower.

As far as registering/stuff you need - do you have any baby stuff you highly recommend/couldn't live without? Tips appreciated.

I was talking to someone at work today who I've seen in the hall quite a few times over the last couple of weeks. I was talking about how I'm trying to take Thanksgiving easy and Christmas will be even worse. She said, "Yeah, I know what you mean." I said, "Yeah, it's two weeks before my due date." Her eyes popped out of her head - she said, "You're pregnant? But you're so tiny!" So, apparently, I'm still not obviously pregnant to everyone. People probably just think I'm fat - dammit. I measured my chest today - it's 46 inches and my belly is 44 - hips (I'm probably going to regret telling you this) - 45 so you can see why people don't notice. I'm pretty proportionate. The belly has about 7 more weeks to grow. I wonder if it's ever going to "pop" and I'll have people ask me when I'm due. So far - not one person.

I can't wait until I can start WW again. I am so ready to lose weight. I'll have to see what their plan is with breastfeeding. I don't want to restrict my calories too much - I also want to give my body some time to adjust after labor. Maybe I'll start 6 weeks postpartum. I wonder if their site has any recommendations?

Nesting already? (Or - Man, I'm grumpy)

2005-11-07T11:40:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, J and I took advantage of a beautiful sunny day to drive around looking for a house to rent. Everything we saw was out of our price range, but that wasn't the worst part: not only was it overpriced, but the places aren't being kept up. Sorry, I don't want to pay $1100 a month for half of a house with a grouchy smoker living downstairs, and all the walls of the house are filthy and need painted and you don't fix it up before you show it. I also don't want to pay $1275 for a place that is junk either. Do they find people to rent these places?

I could see strapping ourselves to pay rent on something that had a good feeling and we loved, but I can't see paying more than we want to for something that is junk - especially with a baby on the way. Living here in the Northwest, we are especially careful with dingy spaces because mold can be a major problem. We've had mold before, it's what got us into a brand new apartment.

It's looking like we're going to sign a 10-month lease where we're at (to get the lowest rent possible) and pay for a storage unit in our parking lot - there are garages and storage spaces on the ends of them.

I want to make the decision and be done with it. Driving, looking, and calling yesterday bummed me out. I would like to get the storage space and start clearing out our apartment so we can have room for baby. I'm 31 weeks today, but I have started to feel pressure to get things ready. I realized last night that the co-sleeper I wanted is going to be a tight fit next to our bed and might block our entry into our walk in closet. I need to get out the tape measure and see how far we can shift our bed to buy us enough room. We would probably have that problem anywhere, though, since you're adding another two feet to the side of your bed. Maybe the mini co sleeper will be the way to go.

I couldn't sleep last night. I was up until 3am and even then I didn't sleep well. I'm going to go home at lunch, take a nap, and then work from home for the rest of the day. I don't know if it's the worry about the living space, the baby being VERY active at night, or the fact that I had 2 grande decaf Ameri*canos (I generally allow myself one a day). Maybe one wasn't decaf - at any rate, I'm done with the coffee. I can't risk not being able to sleep if someone accidentally makes my coffee regular. I have decaf tea that I can drink.

I also feel like I have some sinus thing starting. I had an allergic reaction to a cat at our friends' house on Saturday and my sinuses still feel stuffy - but I guess it could be lack of sleep and needing a nap too...

I'm stressing that J will want to throw stuff willy nilly into the storage space, but I want to go through everything before we keep it. I need to talk to him tonight, telling him I need us to clean everything we own and get things organized. I wonder if he'll put up with me. He tends to not look in the boxes or plastic bags. I feel like this is a great chance to get rid of a bunch of stuff before we get more baby stuff.

Sorry so grouchy!

Blood Sugar, Iron, Anniversary

2005-11-07T11:16:00.000-08:00

My midwife called on Friday and left a message that my blood sugar was great - right in the middle, not high, not low. She said my iron levels were great she said, "We don't usually see iron levels like that in pregnant women." Am I a dork for feeling all proud about that?

After work on Friday, I went to Fred M*eyer to get J a present. Pulling into the parking lot, I ended up parking next to him. I thought it was hilarious. I saw him leaving the store, but he didn't see me. I ended up getting him seat covers for our truck, which is something we needed anyway. He got me roses and a card. He was upset that I had parked next to him, because he apparently had the flowers on the seat of the truck and he thought I saw them. (I didn't.)

Sidenote: I'm at work. We moved downstairs last week. It's much quieter here, but it's funny, people are fighting over the lights. Those of us who stare at our computer all day like the lights off, others want them on. And there's a dude that sits behind me and talks to himself AT FULL VOLUME ALL DAY. I guess that's what headphones are for.

Friday night, J and I got dressed up and went out for Indian food. It was nice and fun.

Infect*ious Disease Doc Appt.

2005-11-04T09:06:00.000-08:00

The appointment yesterday was great, just what J and I needed to put our minds at ease. I spent a lot of time at first with the resident. He said they had had 3 M*RSA patients alreaady that morning - and it was only 9:40.

The only thing was the stupid nurse insisted on weighing me, taking my temp and my bp. I told her it was silly, that I have an appointment the next day and I was just there for a consultation. (Really I just didn't want to get on the damn scale.) She said, "But what do I put here?" Pointing to her stupid little chart. So I got on the scale. I didn't want those numbers anywhere on my chart - I had just crossed the line from overweight to obese before I got pg, I don't figure they need to see the numbers where they are now.

Bottom line is this: My parents can hold the baby. We will have that Pu*rell Hand San*itizer stuff on hand so they can rub it all over their hands before they hold her. Doc said my brother shouldn't be around the baby for the first two months, since if she gets a fever it's taken much more seriously than after those two months. After that, he shouldn't be around her if he has any outbreaks, otherwise it should be fine.
Phew!

How do you do this more than once?

2005-11-02T15:40:00.000-08:00

I started talking to J the other night about what we'll use for birth control after the baby is born. I have a confession to make: we used the with*drawal method for 5 years. He very DEFINITELY did NOT want kids until he was ready. Sure, there was a con*dom thrown in there once or twice, but for the most part we did WM. I guess for us it was highly effective, since the one time he decided to not do it (without telling me he wasn't going to!!), I got pg. That was the baby we lost, and then I had one regular period after the miscarriage, then two months where I just spotted for two weeks straight, and then three normal periods before we got pg.

The thing that I've been thinking a lot about lately is: I can't see doing this again. My pregnancy has been so normal and easy lately - but the miscarriage and the ttc and the spotting for however many weeks I spotted in the first trimester really did a number on me. I think the spotting in the first trimester especially sucked because it was just how the miscarriage started - and at about the same point in my pregnancy as it with the baby we lost.

I know I'll probably feel differently once the baby is here - right now it's hard to even picture how life will be with one child, let alone two or more, but I'm just so thankful to have this pregnancy. Maybe it wouldn't be so hard once I have a child, I could go into it knowing I did it once, that even if there's another miscarriage or spotting, we can still get to a place where there's another baby. But my poor heart. The pain of miscarriage is so big - I don't know if I can open myself up to that possibility again.

A DECADE is a freaking long time!

2005-11-01T14:43:00.000-08:00

This Friday, Nov. 4th will be 10 years that J and I have been together. I can't believe it's been that long. I also can't believe the stuff we've been through.

We were so young - in our third year of college and 20, close to turning 21. Man, if you had told me we would be together 10 years before having a baby, I don't think I would have stayed. I wanted a baby a long time ago. It took much longer for him to be ready. But - I also love that he didn't want to father a child until he felt he could be a good parent. It took him so long to "grow up." We waited for years and we're still not completely ready for a baby. Financially we're just now getting things together and we're still living in a too-small apartment.

I really love my J though. I think what validates it is my single friend telling me her boyfriend pissed her off and she says, "I know J wouldn't say something stupid to you like that, but he's not like most men, is he?"

And he's not. He doesn't say "stupid boy" things. He's sensitive, gentle, yet manly. What can I say - he had hippie parents who encouraged (at least his mom did) him to express his feelings.
And when my friend from high school and I went to a party last month, she was telling another one of our high school friends that I definitely found a good husband.

I am pretty spoiled. He was so cute on Saturday night - he played the dance we went to for an hour and then I wanted to dance with him when the next band came on. He was too sweaty, though - when he performs he sweats through his shirt - I soon realized I didn't want to really touch him. But the cute part was he said to his friends as I pulled him to the dance floor, "She's pregnant and she wants to dance."

Ten years! Wowza! I think what I've learned from being in a relationship for ten years is this: What's important is the little things. It's how we thank each other for doing the grocery shopping or cooking. It's not taking each other for granted. I often think we're pretty pathetic, since we spend most of our nights at home together - and don't even get me started on how much we still talk on the phone.

Since we don't have TV, much of our time is spent talking (or me reading and him surfing the web in the same room).

Stay tuned for tomorrow's update - you'll be able to hear how our "mock labor" goes at our birth class AND... will KrimoJo have to tell her parents and brother they can't hold the baby for six months? Appt. with the infect*ious disease doc at 9:40 tomorrow morning...

Tuning out

2005-10-31T12:27:00.000-08:00

J played a dance on Saturday night and I went with him. It was made up of people from his A*A meeting. People we know, but we're not really that close to. T says to me she wants to be at the hospital when we have the baby. Not in the room, of course. I told her we're having the baby at a birth center, and I don't know that we're inviting people, but we'll definitely call her.
This reminds me of when you get married and you have people assuming you're going to invite them and it gets all awkward.

At first, I thought I wanted a bunch of close friends in the waiting room waiting for the birth, but I have decided I want no one but me and J. This is because I don't want to be disturbed/pressured about it taking too long. I also don't want J's attention anywhere else but on me and the labor and I know if his friends are there he's going to want to make sure they're ok. Since we've got the M*RSA thing going on with my family and my mom, dad, and brother probably aren't going to be able to come to the birth center, I don't really want anyone else to come either. It makes it less painful - if I can't have my family he can't either.

My MIL keeps saying she can be my doula. I DON'T WANT her to be my doula and I've sort of danced around it when she brings it up. I don't even want her at the birth center. She has been nice to me lately, but she is sort of high maintenance. She also isn't always in touch with reality and has some crazy ideas sometimes. I don't want to have to deal with that when I'm in labor. One crazy thing: when I had the miscarriage, she told me I hadn't really been pregnant because it didn't feel real to her... um. ok.

She has also started this tun*ing fork accupu*ncture thing http://www.thnt.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20051013/LIFE07/510130308/1006/LIFE.
She wants to do it on me - one of the things she wants to do to me would send the sound through the fluid in my body and get rid of the generational issues for the baby before she's born. Sorry, I don't really buy it, but the main thing is I don't really want her messing with me; but I don't know how to tell her. I know there's probably nothing wrong with it, but what if the baby doesn't like it?

J and I got in a fight yesterday about me getting a flu shot. I asked my midwife about it, but I guess what he wanted to know was whether or not a fever this late in the pregnancy would be dangerous to the baby. So we'll talk to her again on Thursday. I told him I'll consider getting the shot, but only if I can get one without mercury, and I don't know that you can - my friend is pg and she said she called and they told her the mercury-free ones are only available if you're under 3.

Week 29 Midwife Appt.

2005-10-28T13:15:00.000-07:00

J couldn't make it to my appointment yesterday, since he had to work in Seattle. I had a really good appointment. There wasn't anyone else there besides the midwife T and the receptionist. We just sat and chatted for about 45 minutes. I was able to ask her all the questions I had. Dentist: Cleaning good idea, wait on x-rays until postpartum. Flu shot? The CDC recommends it, but it's up to me whether I want it or not. We need to get on finding a pediatrician. Doula? It's up to us - and she knows some free doulas if money is an issue.

We talked about the breech babies in my birth class. She said that when a baby is malpositioned (especially the baby in the splits position), they wonder why - what else is going on. Maybe it's wrapped up in its cord or it has a short cord. This is why they use ultrasound when they try to turn the baby - you could be tugging too hard on the placenta and detach it.

She took my blood for the glucose screening. My hands shook after drinking it, but I didn't hurl.
She took my bp - it had gone up some, but she said it did exactly what it's supposed to, was higher at first, had the second trimester dip, and is starting to rise again.

She felt the baby's position. This is the first time they've been able to feel where she is. Her head is down low in my pelvis and her butt is what I've been feeling poking me in my left side. T thought she'll probably stay down from here on out. That would be nice, after seeing the breech mamas in my class. We heard her heartbeat again. It was really fast at first and then slowed down. T said it's a sign of a healthy baby when you hear their heart tones change.

This was the first appointment where she measured me with the tape. I'm 29 weeks and measured 30 1/2 cm (it IS cm, right?).

Everything looks great. I have another appointment on Thursday, since now I'm going every two weeks. I wasn't supposed to have my appt. yesterday - I cancelled the appt. the week before and a week later was the earliest I could reschedule. So next week we have our "mock labor" birth class on Tuesday, an appointment with an infectious disease doctor on Wed about my brother's M*RSA (T thinks he's going to tell me I shouldn't be around my brother when I'm pregnant), and Thurs. is our 30 week midwife appointment.
It's all going by so fast right now.

Bad day for glucose test

2005-10-27T11:11:00.000-07:00

I have my glucose test today at 4:00. There is a HUGE plastic cauldren filled with candy right behind me. I thought it wouldn't bother me, since I loaded up on candy yesterday. But no - it's driving me nuts, I hear people walking by and grabbing candy and jiggling the wrappers. Wah, poor me!

At least it's not tomorrow, though, since they're having some sort of party in the office.
I guess I'll just keep eating my cheese and almonds. :(

Birth Class #5

2005-10-26T15:28:00.000-07:00

Last night's class was a huge bummer. I mean, we sort of knew it would be, since it was the variation/intervention/complication class. What made it worse, though, was the two women whose babies are breech. One of the breech babies is doing the splits, with one of its feet up by its head. It sounds like both of the women with breech babies are likely looking at cesareans - the one with the baby in the splits because that's a really funky position, and the other lady because she doesn't want to let them try to turn the baby.

So we've got that going on, along with the woman who's been having contractions and is now on modified bed rest, I guess her baby's head is sitting right on her cervix already. I believe she's 35 weeks.

We did an exercise where we had these cards that had our birth options on them. We were supposed to whittle down our options to where we were left with only 2 cards. Part of the problem was that we were doing it in groups - and we had the lady with the baby doing the splits in our group. We all agreed that one of the options we wanted to keep was "Healthy mom, healthy baby." But the breech mom wouldn't give up "baby on chest after birth." She felt that since she is most likely having a cesarean section that is the one thing she could hold onto for her birth plan.

Birth instructor came over and saw that our group was having a hard time agreeing - because we all have such different situations - and told breech mama that she can't have the baby on her chest after a c-section. Breech mama started to cry and then instructor showed us pictures (on the TV - they were burned onto a DVD) of a c-section.

Her lack of sensitivity pretty much sucked. Most of the women started crying and our partners just sat holding our hands. For me, I have no idea what position my baby is in and even if I find out tomorrow, it won't matter yet cuz she has plenty of time to move around. It really brought home the fact that you don't automatically get the type of labor you want - all you can do is be informed and make the best decisions you can.

On the way home, J was pretty ticked off that the birth instructor wasn't more sensitive to breech mama's feelings. She needs to do a better job of being sensitive to what people are going through at the same time she informs them of what to expect.

It's not a very fun group of people - I don't know what it is, but the other couples are sort of bummy too. Oh well, only 3 more classes. Next Tuesday, we have a "mock labor" - that should be interesting.

Funeral Weekend Recap Part II

2005-10-25T10:13:00.000-07:00

The morning of the funeral (Sunday), they had breakfast in the main house next to the indoor swimming pool. Then, they went to the funeral. J said it was the saddest funeral he'd ever been to because of who his grandma was - so involved in all of their lives.

J spoke. He said he talked about how grandma wouldn't let him, or anyone she was close to sell themselves short. He also said that his one regret was that she won't get to meet our baby. His sister talked next. She talked about what a great role model grandma had been. Next, was brother. Apparently, he lost it and blubbered for a long time. J said it would have been ok, except that he went on and on, not cutting it off, he just kept talking. J said it was really uncomfortable. At one point, D said, "I'm an actor and he's a musician." Pointing to J.

After the three grandchildren, a family friend spoke. Next (and last) was FIL. J said it was really hard hearing his dad speak. His dad said that he had sort of thought his mom would live forever. He was in tears by the end of it - J said it was only the second time he'd seen his dad cry. The only other time was when MIL was in the hospital after trying to commit suicide.

They got in the limo and went to the cemetary. They were there for a long time. Then they went to the church for dinner. People were coming up and talking to J, telling him stories about how grandma wouldn't let them sell themselves short, like take all shop - one guy said he ended up going to school for engineering after being pushed by grandma.

J talked to one of his cousins (his dad's sister died of Lu*pus when she was 17, so J doesn't have any first cousins on this side of the family)- the cousin he talked to was his grandpa's sister's* granddaughter - or another way to look at it is his dad's cousin's daughter. Anyway, she told J she had just been diagnosed with Lu*pus. This really freaked J out, since he grew up knowing about his aunt he never met who died of it. His cousin said it tends to run in families and black women are more likely to get it than white women. She said it can skip a generation -which would mean go to J's children, since his aunt had it. He told cousin he's having a daughter. I wonder how freaked out he is about it. From what I've read, they don't know a whole lot about Lu*pus.

Poor SIL was wearing a black dress that was too tight and was very uncomfortable, but FIL would not leave until they were the absolute last people there.

J was exhausted and wanted to go to the place they were staying and go to sleep, but brother D said he wanted to go to Grandma's and stop by and see M, a relative. FIL talked J into going, saying it would only take 10 minutes. Of course, it took much longer, traffic in town was horrible with all the fans on their way out of town. J said they were at Grandma's apartment for a long time, looking at pictures. He wasn't into it, because we had just gone through all the pictures with grandma the last time we were there.

On the way back to the place they were staying, brother said he wanted to go back to the cemetary the next day, as well as to Grandma's one last time. When J called me that night, he was pissed. He said, "We were at the cemetary for a long time today. Why does he want to go back? I'm exhausted. We have to fly at 2, and it's a two hour drive to the airport."
Apparently, none of brother's plans worked out for the next day. They didn't have time to do what he wanted to. I asked J, doesn't D get tired? But I think it's his way of controlling the situation. He makes a huge list of things he wants to do so that everyone has to do what he wants.

One of the last things that J told me was that not one of grandma's friends from her retirement community came to the funeral because it was a black funeral. J said they were crying when they went over there and invited FIL in for drinks, but were too afraid of being seen at her funeral because it's just not done! Can someone tell me - are we in 2005 or 1905?

*Grandpa's sister was at the funeral - she came all the way from Atlanta - and she's 99, turning 100 in June!

Funeral Weekend Recap Part I

2005-10-25T10:11:00.000-07:00

J got home last night and didn't stop talking the whole way from the airport. I think he'd been holding in being able to talk to me since his family was around all weekend.

He told me that Saturday at their layover in Chicago, his brother pulled him aside and said something like, "Dad did some crappy stuff and if you want to know why I'm pissed off at him and why I'm acting the way I am, we can get together so I can tell you my side."J said that he was tempted to tell D that he wasn't taking sides, but he was afraid that would get him started - so J just said, "Ok." and let his brother sit there and be uncomfortable.

(Before I get too much farther into this, you have to know that MIL and FIL got divorced 2 1/2 years ago and D got right in the middle of it. MIL has decided FIL is a horrible man and a terrible father and tells her son this. I know he must think bad things about his dad, because MIL has told me FIL doesn't like him - along with other crap. Also - MIL & FIL hadn't talked since the divorce and all five of them were about to get in a car for a two hour drive together.)

J said MIL was "propagandaizing" (his word) to D on the flight to N.C., theorizing FIL turned out the way he did because of how his mom was and what was wrong with her that she was ever with someone like that. But of course, her eyes have been opened. I would have been so pissed if I was there - I can't stand it when she goes on and on about all the bad things he did and how she was this innocent bystander. Gag.

Once they got to N.C., they had the two hour drive to VA. J sat in front, since neither his brother or mom wanted to sit by his dad. This leads me to ask, why in the hell did MIL go to the funeral if she couldn't stand to even sit next to her ex? And - if she was going, why wouldn't she just rent her own car??? He didn't need her crap at a time when he was grieving.

FIL was exhausted and told them that he had just found out grandma didn't die in bed in her sleep, they found her in the bathroom. No one really knows what happened and when she died exactly. She had an emergency phone in the bathroom and all she would have had to do was knock it off the hook and someone would have come to her, but she didn't.

That hit them hard, thinking of her possibly struggling in the bathroom. Right after FIL told them that, a small deer sprung out from the woods and ran in front of the car in front of them. The car hit it, and it stumbled into the other lane where they saw a car coming the other direction hit and drag it. SIL thought it was a dog and started freaking out. She's a total animal lover - you can't even kill a fly around her and she doesn't eat meat - so I can imagine she was pretty upset.

Next, the funeral parlor called to ask FIL if the rest of the family wanted to come by for a private viewing of the body. They didn't want to, and FIL didn't really want to either, but for some reason he felt like he was required to go. He later said it was the hardest thing he had ever done.

They get into town and they're all hungry. Now remember, this is a small town going through economic hardship, so there aren't many restaurants open at this time of night - and there's a NAS*CAR race at the track, so the town is full of drunk race fans and trailers. They found a Japanese restaurant and went in. The restaurant was full of race fans. When they sat down, the people at the table immediately got up and left. J said it was a little uncomfortable, them coming in as a mixed family. People were glaring at them and he said if they had gone to the wrong place, it could have been bad.

The restaurant was one of those performance places where they cook at your table, flipping knives, making jokes, and creating huge flames. They were definitely NOT in the mood for it.
FIL stayed at grandma's apartment and everyone else stayed at some millionaire dude's guest house. (He let them stay there because all hotels in town were full of NAS*CAR fans.)

Earlier flight

2005-10-24T16:15:00.000-07:00

J called. It looks like he (and his mom and brother) are getting in at 8:00 tonight instead of 11:00. This is good, because it means he can go to work tomorrow and help make up for the suit we bought him before he left.

He sounds exhausted and said the funeral was really sad. I had a really hard day not being there with him and spent much of yesterday napping, watching DVDs from the library, and reading a crappy romance novel.

I hated feeling like I wasn't part of the family. I know it's just me being weird - J told me I wouldn't have been able to keep up with them anyway: After the funeral they went back to the church for dinner and his dad wouldn't leave until everyone else was gone. He said I would have been wiped out after the funeral - and that's probably true.

He's on a plane right now and I will see him in 4 hours. I can't wait. I hate it when he's in another state.

Don't tell

2005-10-24T16:06:00.000-07:00

Ok, J and I haven't settled on a name yet, but I told my mom two of the names we were thinking about.
About one of them she said, "That's not very feminine." And the other, "I don't like that name at all. I like Ivy Lynne."

So, from now on I think I'll just stop telling people we even have anything in mind.

Grandma

2005-10-21T16:11:00.000-07:00

My husband's grandma was an amazing woman and I am thankful that I got to know her, even though she lived in Virginia and we're in Washington. She was definitely the matriarch of the family and I am very sad that we won't get to take the baby to meet her in March.

Born in 1913, she told us stories of going to church in the horse drawn buggy. Since she was "colored" and the black schools in her area didn't teach math or science, her parents sent her and her 4? 5? siblings to high school away from home. She went to high school at Virg*inia Sta*e College, and also got her bachelor's degree there. She later received her master's degree from Col*umbia University.

I have included some clips from the obituary I found in the paper about her:
She retired in 1979 after 30 years with the M town School system. She had been a guidance counselor at M town High School for 11 years at her retirement and before that was assistant principal at A. H. High School.She was listed in "Who's Who of Amer*ican Women."

Her husband was the first black mayor of M town in the 70s and they sat on the board of a bank and pushed to make loans available to black people in their town. Her husband also went around to the retailers in town, convincing them to hire black women in their shops.

She would tell you she never took "no" for an answer. Two years ago, the post office told her they would be open until 3:00 on Christmas Eve. When she got there, it had closed early. What did she do? She called them up and told them they told her they would be open and she was 91 and going to sit in the lobby until someone came and opened the door so she could get her package. Someone came and opened the door for her.

One of her husband's brothers had been living in New York and "passing" as white. She tracked him down, called him up and said, "Hey - this is your family." His wife was on the phone too, found out he had African American in his blood, and they got in the car with their kids and went down to see the family they hadn't seen in 20 years. He was afraid his wife would leave him if she knew he was mixed.

I regret that we didn't hear more of her stories. It's hard to picture her being gone. She had been doing so well.

She lived through such an amazing time. Her mom was "mulatto" and from the pictures of her dad, I'm guessing he was Native American. She started out teaching in a black school before the schools were integrated. The black schools weren't provided chemistry supplies or books, so she would go to the white high school to pick up chemistry supplies. The white high school also provided them with their old books.

With integration in 1968, she moved to M town High, and she spoke with pride about the smoothness of the transition. "There wasn't a single problem," she was quoted in the paper. "We saw to it that those kids toed the line."

A strong, beautiful woman (and can I say - 92 and almost flawless skin?!?). She knew the value of education in helping people out of poverty. And she was so proud of her three grandchildren. The last time I talked to her on the phone she told me she loved me and baby.

I think when someone is such a strong person, it's hard to picture them ever not being there. I am glad I'm not undergoing the stress of flying across the country for the funeral, but I miss meeting more family, hearing more about her life, and saying goodbye there.

Can you help me out here?

2005-10-20T09:34:00.000-07:00

I think I may have started having Braxton-Hicks, but I'm not sure. After crying a lot last night about Grandma, I started to feel my uterus tensing up. Then, throughout the night when I would wake up (which I did many, many, many times), I noticed it tensing. It doesn't hurt at all. I'm still sore/achy by my ovaries like round ligament pain.

If you've had BxHs, what was your experience with them?

So sad

2005-10-19T16:22:00.000-07:00

My MIL called me at 3:30. DH's grandma (his dad's mom) died this morning in her sleep. DH is not going to L.A. to visit his dad, since his dad is now trying to get on a flight to Virginia.

Now we have to decide if DH is going to try to roll his ticket over to fly out for the funeral. But right now he's lying in bed.

I feel awful.

Family Baby Shower - Planning

2005-10-19T11:30:00.000-07:00

My MIL called me last night about the baby shower she's planning. I don't remember if I wrote about this or not yet. She's planning it for Dec. 18th (I know - so close to Christmas) because my SIL wants to be there. SIL goes to school in L.A. and will be home on her Christmas break.

(On a side note, SIL is going to school in Spain second semester and we found out she leaves - or has to be there? - on the 10th or 11th of January. Baby is due the 9th. :( So she most likely won't meet baby until she's six months old. This bums me out - I love my SIL - she's 20 now and I've known her since she was 10, not to mention the fact that I don't have a sister and neither does she. But what an experience for her! Spain! For a semester!)

Again, can't remember if I mentioned this or not, but MIL's house is pretty gross. I mean, I'm used to it now, but I would be embarrassed to have my grandma see it. Even with deep cleaning - there's just so much junk everywhere. And it would be fine if the weather was going to be nice, but if people are bringing kids, it's not big enough.

So here's the deal - she's renting a room at the Senior Center down the street (her idea). I know it sounds weird, but there's a room with a wall that's all windows facing the lake. It's a nice space. But - it costs $120. Should I tell dh how expensive it's going to be? He would freak about his mom spending that much on the room (he's frugal). Cuz you know, there's going to be decorations, food, and other expenses too. Am I letting her do too much? It's her idea, she's been helping me figure out the guest list and planning in advance (and she NEVER plans in advance) - I just don't know if I shouldn't be letting her do all of this...